Sunday, August 2, 2009

Long Long Way To Happy

I just don’t trust anymore, you played me and turned me into your whore, you said and promised a 50/50, thinking your lie was original and nifty, I don’t want my heart to heal, and I really don’t want to ever again feel, I’d wind up right back where I started, the bulls eye these players targeted, I’m so naive and stupidly foolish, the gay dating game's harder since I’m new to this, I find lately I’m consumed by loneliness, and I attribute and blame the ridiculous amount of phoniness, I think extreme boredom will be my demise, and being without friends to stop me from committing suicide, why is it that life has to be so hard, happiness as rare as a joker or wild card, I’m losing my ambition to keep a smile, just want to cuddle and be held for a little while, I really miss my old friends from home, despite they weren’t always around I never felt this alone, they say that home is where the heart is, I think it's a kind of Santa Clause white lie parents tell kids, there's no place I feel loved safe and secure, totally comfortable being who I am or characteristically pure, I’ve lost myself somewhere along the way, right around the time I discovered I was gay, I don’t know who I am at all, as I slip into a deep depression with a downward spiraling fall, I feel so helpless and repulsed by my own skin, idolizing the happy looking models all sexy and thin, I must be a bad person or unbelievably ugly, cause I can rarely find a gay guy to love and hug me, lately at night I’ve been crying myself to sleep, when I watch a romantic comedy I breakdown and uncontrollably weep, I think I might need professional or psychiatric help, since I no longer have any idea how to console myself, I have no one to talk to, I’m like an invisible shadow people walk thru, I know my face can easily express that I’m hurting, so why cant I stop being shy and convey interest thru flirting, get some gaydar so the straight guys wont laugh at me, like Pink said it's going to be a long long way to happy! - Joe Conscious Vacca


Peace and 1

12/12/08

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