Still just don't feel right, everyday is another fight, to basically even smile, or fake it at least for a lil while, I can't understand man, stick to ur plan, follow thru with what u say, will I make it to May, turning 35, yet I feel less alive, which is ironic since I'm getting older, I don't want to be a soldier, always keeping a brave face, I find the gay community to be a disgrace, no morals or integrity, ya'll think ur better than me, or do u just hate cuz I don't put out, we'll see who's the pussy if u bout, ya'll seem more about talking, just sitting there stalking and gawking, have no balls tho to say what's up or hello, all ya'll are more basic than jello, rather gossip behind people's backs, prefer fiction over facts, won't go home with me, but put out for free, u lousy ass prostitutes/sluts, please have a heart some soul and guts, otherwise ull never get anywhere, doubt u even care, constantly contemplating running away, u can't erase exes or the past I'm afraid, shouldn't sound so jealous or bitter, if ur gonna act like a rat or some other nasty critter, ull get treated like one, it's stopped being fun, since I don't feel well, I put up my protective shell, pretend I enjoy being single, hibernate and never mingle, it isn't enjoyable watching everyone move on, ultimately feel evil duped and conned, u say I'm a nice guy, but didn't even have the chance to try, constantly second guessing urself, I'm finally getting professional help, cuz I need to change the way I react, watching u sugar daddy mack doesn't make me laugh it's plain sad, oh ur such a beautiful person, boy do I despise working, all I wanna do is make music and perform, why can't my songs on the radio be the new norm, I've never wanted to stereotypically conform, do u too ever feel sometimes u wish u were never born, I'm torn, so scorned, tired of all the bullshit and lies, perhaps if I close my eyes, then suddenly reopen them, I can magically start all over again!
Peace and 1,
JC
2/22/17
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