I've been on a roller coaster ride, my emotions erratically going from lows to extreme highs, it was my 35th birthday last week, and I'm wondering if I've peaked, too soon or perhaps late, I often wonder if we have a predestined fate or if destiny is a blank slate, in which we have semi control, maybe only God knows, if it even exists, I'd rather use wits and psychological tricks than fists, fighting doesn't seem to solve issues, please stop making me use tissues, I'm tired of crying, from all the back stabbing gossiping and lying, u never get anything in life unless u express it, why second guess shit, follow a combination of logic and gut, can't find love in bars or clubs so I tried Scruff, and it totally worked, just when I got close to happiness so came jealous jerks and that hurt, cuz many claimed to be my friend, I definitely don't like the idea of long time relationships coming to an end, especially over hear say and third party rumors, I'm a hip hop rapper emcee never claimed to be one of those superstar crooners, altho I have a deep raspy old school style voice, who and what u love and are passionate about isn't really a choice, why must I pay the price, for other people's shortcomings regrets and unfulfilled dreams in their own life, I am what I am cuz I work hard and very driven, I'm gracious and giving even on days that aren't Christmas Easter Valentines Day or Thanksgiving, I am simply a genuinely good person, who actively seeks to see the best in people instead of all the evil that's lurking, cuz otherwise I'd never get up out of bed, smoking too much pot got me trapped overthinking in my head, still trying to take each day one moment at a time, having a big heart and lots of empathy shouldn't be a crime, don't say ur fine if ur not, put ur heart and soul in everything and give it all u got, cuz time and life are precious unpredictable not promised commodities, I love Kevin even with his faults flaws and oddities, we can't pick and choose, but u can follow all the rules and still lose, unfortunately nothing seems to be fair or just, gay men in particular are sluts for sex and lust, and it's destroying our reputation and perception, please don't let me be effected by all the bad shit so I become numb untrusting and afraid to show or let in affection, stop underestimating the importance of human interaction and touch, there's absolutely nothing more amazingly beautiful and healing like big bear hugs, fuck fucking or dick sucking I think the most intimate is kissing, I'd rather not start missing truly living cuz I'm too caught up comparing competing hoping and wishing!
Peace and 1,
JC
6/1/17
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