Love & Care For Each Other But Not Friends Or Lovers

Back to insults and threats, he deserves everything he gets, and I don't feel bad at all, I was there for countless falls, but it was never enough, guess financial support isn't an expression of love, or driving u around for free, what was the last nice thing uve said or done for me, I'm sick of having to defend myself, u need professional help, u have no idea what the word partner means, belittling my fantasies ambition passion and dreams, is straight up selfish, the last 9 months were hellish, u have no idea what I've sacrificed and compromised, I'm tired of ur false accusations of cheating and lies, broken promises happen, but not following thru is ur talent, as well as manipulating the situation and misrecollecting true events, u see when making good arguments there's this thing called evidence, and it's based on actual facts, we're supposed to have each other's backs, but u can't save me from life, nor atrocity pain plight or strife, no one learns from other people's lessons, instead of complaining so much count ur blessings, I've been more than patient and kind, all this silent quiet waiting is driving me out of my mind, u don't deal with problems by walking away, or sweeping them up under the rug I'm afraid, u gotta want to be the change, maybe the hostility and resentment fades or wanes, perhaps time can heal and mend, we're always misunderstanding what the other meant, that's why texting isn't effective, a marriage is like a college sex isn't just a simple elective, it's a necessity/need, to earn and receive a degree, neither of us can afford our own place, we're letting what was once love turn to hate, but I'm done being taken for granted and neglected, I wanna feel wanted liked lusted safe and protected, stop with the judgments and shame, playing my heart like a game, I believed we were connected by our souls, seems we're both haunted by our pasts' ghosts, neither of us can let go, accept we have no control, and move on peacefully, I feel like I lost of piece of me, perhaps it's cuz he was my first, I think that's what makes the hurt worse, I still wish him well and good luck, but we can't be together with no trust, we can still love and care for each other, guess we unfortunately can't be best friends tho or monogamous lovers!

Peace and 1,
Joe Conscious
1/31/18

Sorry Haters But Failure's Not In My Nature

I know sometimes I provide tmi, like I still get occasionally high, nothing's off limits, I'm not a disingenuous gimmick, I've got real talent, I'm mostly humble modest and valiant, an old school gentleman, I'm not afraid of my scars or skeletons, mine may be freaky but hot as hell, don't believe the gossip or rumors haters tell, but I really don't mind, I've got nothing to hide, a lil embarrassment and humiliation never hurt anyone, as long as it was all in good fun, there's a fine line, always treat everyone kind, cuz u don't know what they're going thru, yes u can walk a mile in someone else's shoes, but not their skin, how did we let evil win, guess they only had to once, hopefully we can survive the Drumpf, he gave our democracy a lobotomy, victims of misogyny sodomy, we need to be cleaned out colonically, what happened to rational common sense that's also logical, this isn't comical, it's treasonous and methodical, well thought out, a revolutionary bout is not allowed, we need their permission to protest picket and rally, I think I was happier and more fulfilled living in Cali, esp in San Diego, I felt en fuego, but in San Fran, I explored the gay college like magnetic mecca that made me into who I truly am, I'm not a fake facade/scam, I'm thankful to the fans, my music's more moving emotionally thought provoking than dance, take a chance, and have a listen, break that brain out of it's prison, be conscious, get rid of the obnoxious ignorant and toxic, let love's light shine bright, fight with ur whole soul's might, to do what u know in ur heart is right, don't be jaded by the awful atrocity and plight, humans have free will but very lil control, keep striving reaching and believing in achieving wishes dreams and goals, can't be perfect but should do our best, life isn't like the board game but it is a metaphorical test, there may be no prize, just a pointless exercise, to see ur level of patience and skills, existence is an expensive adventurous journey of risk taking leaps of faith and cheap thrills, cuz the best things and life are free, so fuck money and greed, don't judge me for smoking a lil weed, I'll do as I see fit and please, I'm not harming anyone, I don't even know how to buy knives sighs swords bombs or guns, it's not in my nature, I refuse to be abused regretful depressed or defeated by failure, people are fallible creatures, so caught up in materialistic possessions and superficial features, we need to search existentially deep inside, in order to identify rectify heal mend move on elevate and rise, we're defined by how we adapt to change, praying appears ineffective and strange, cuz unfortunately most of the problems we face are consequences man made, and perhaps maybe this time around we won't be saved!

Peace and 1,
Joe Conscious
1/29/18

How Do We Blend Again

I'm resentful neglected and heartbroken, it doesn't excuse the awful angry hurtful words I've spoken, but it explains why my anxiety has been thru the roof, neither of us are prepared or sustainable enough to move, us living apart, makes this relationship hard, we both live with our folks, wish ur health issues were a misdiagnosed hoax, maybe then ud feel better, and we would enjoy more of our time together, I miss the old Kevin, who seemed to be my soulmate sent from heaven, being unemployed so long has pushed u down into a deep dark depression, and it's impossible to see life's blessings I'm guessing, don't live like ur dying, I'm sick and tired of bitching complaining and crying, I will not be defeated, whatever obstacle arises we'll beat it, I got ur back but u gotta have mine, if something's bothering u don't just reply ur fine, say shit, cuz I hate it, when ur in silent quiet mode, the pent up aggression and repression grows, til u eventually explode, and the venom flows, like acid, stop acting ratchet, reverting to insults and name calling, manipulating using fear and shame's appalling, how bout the truth, figure out what it is u want and to do, so I don't replay the fool, I'm not a tool, for u to step on punch or use, please no more verbal spiritual emotional or physical abuse, we need to learn to communicate with each other, act like mature lovers, we're two individuals trying to blend, we all fuck up and make mistakes every now and again, humans are fallibly imperfect, I often wonder if marriage is worth it, to me it seems like a business arrangement, but then I hear about another engagement, and I think to myself, having a partner would help, two incomes are better than one, they're always there to share in the fun, a solid support system, someone who cares and listens, has drive motivation and vision, monogamy shouldn't feel like prison, it should elevate and lift us both up, there's no greater gift then love, and money can't buy it, are those butterflies in my stomach or a riot, perhaps he's my addiction, but what's with all the bickering fighting and friction, let's play nice, twice or even thrice in one night, altho u like sex more in the morning, I should come with a warning, I need my sleep and coffee, sorry not sorry I'm using the sleepsack I bought me, don't care if it brings back bad memories, why are my past hookups automatically ur enemies, can't u show a modicum of respect, I'm not saying to be politically correct, please let's just be civil, sometimes I take sarcasm personal or too literal, I know u like to joke, hope it's as much tho as u love reading the poems I wrote!

Peace and 1,
Joe Conscious
1/26/18

Kink Medication/Fetish Meditation

Am I bipolar or just ur average Gemini, it would certainly explain to them why, I go from hot to cold in an instant, when I'm having mental health issues I'm introverted and distant, I'm in my own world, overthinking and analyzing everything I've gone thru and hurdled, to try and inspire myself, sometimes we all need help, to reduce stress, gotta figure out what works for u best, for some it's blazing drinking psych meds or smoking cigs, others use exercise meditation kink or counseling to manage the way they live, it's easy to get overwhelmed and breakdown, especially surrounded by ignorant spoiled flaky fake clowns, people pretending they're happy, manipulating using illusion's crappy, just be straightforward and genuine, what happened to chivalrous gentlemen, they're few and far between, but a gay boy can dream, being swept off my feet by homo prince charming, who's maybe a domesticated handy crafty talented caretaker that likes cooking naked with a harness on and organic farming, recycling doubled up socks for days, loves to play with rope sleepsacks and/or duct tape, pretty masculine rugged sweaty and stinky, knows how to control me when I'm insatiably piggy and finicky, ever been so horny as hell, been tied up inescapably in a cell, so u can't touch ur rock hard cock, but the precum and throbbing won't stop, ur squirming like crazy, ur brains all clouded foggy and hazy, and ur ready to orgasmically explode, give a second third fourth fifth sixth and seventh loads a go, milk me dry like a human cow, add a gag if I start to get too loud, drive me wild using my connected sensitive nips, not into hardcore pain tho like clamps or whips, I love erotic tickling and overstimulating sensual touch, in any bdsm session the subs need and abundance of trust, safety first, where to put the burst squirts, too much pleasure actually hurts worse, can be hot to cut or tear off underwear and shirts, just as long as everyone's comfy and has fun, shouldn't ever be shamed or shunned, cuz u know what ur into and like, that ain't right, to each their own, as long as all parties consent and are legally grown, I get that certain fetishes are more taboo, shit happens tho and there's often snafus, but what's important to remember, every student had a mentor, scenes get better thru study and practice, how else do u think I got so good at this?

Peace and 1,
Joe Conscious
1/25/18   

True Love's Metaphorical Cliff

Our timing is simply bad, we can't seem to recapture what we had, perhaps we're not as compatible as we thought, I'm resentful of all that I've done and bought, my mental health isn't good, we're miscommunicating so neither of us are understood, I don't wanna constantly bicker and fight, every day I'm worried and concerned if ur alright, it's all a bit too much, u lack faith in me and trust, u think I spew insults and lies, yet u never compliment only criticize, we've both made mistakes, maybe we need to take a break, forgive each other's pasts, focus on personal responsibility and facts, not jealous false assumption, reserve the nerve guts balls or gumption, to judge chastise or shame me, we aren't George W and Cheney, I ain't no fucking puppet ur holding the strings to, what fulfillment or happiness does silence or space bring u, all u do is walk away, ur always tired grumpy and in pain, we're both afraid ull meet an early grave, I don't know what to do or say, give me some clue on how to cope, should we elope, what if we can't change and grow together, perhaps there isn't a possibility of forever, like time or the horizon line they're mind and eye/optical illusions, relationships are hard work and confusing, we are definitely soulmates, what difference distance's toll takes, plus we both live at our parent's homes, one thing in common tho is no combs, since we're both bald, I'm still reeling from feeling emotionally mauled, his folks are anti-gay, so the only free safe space is my place, this breakup is ruthless, over something insignificant and stupid, but was built on pent up neglect left unsaid, our 8 months weren't a waste or looked upon as a regret, we gave it our all and best, but individually we're both a mess, maybe a moment apart, will allow healing to happen within our hearts, so we can forgive one another and begin again, create a fundamental foundation as unconditional friends, with lots of love at the core, partnerships shouldn't be a dreaded chore, I do enjoy being down on all fours, to please and satisfy u more, but like BB says "the thrill is gone", I can't stand being wrong, pursuing music or a social life, it's not a competition of who goes thru the most strife, the journey is a seesaw signifying hills valleys and peaks, I miss how ur pits farts socks sneaks and feet reek making me weak, from sheer masculinity mixed with alpha dom top pheromones, my pleasure can easily be measured from moans, sorry not sorry I flag right tho gray babe, it's a meditational stress relief need that I long for and crave, we can be monogamous and kinky, I'd love to be ur lil bro sub pup piggy, but only in the boudoir, I'm super proud of who u are, I wish u could say the same, u falsely assume I'm a lying sex crazy spoiled selfish prostituting cheater arrogantly after only fortune and fame, ignoring the fact that I've compromised and sacrificed all of me already, congratulations on manifest destinying our downfall to demise cuz now we're truly "unsteady", I'm extremely depleted and got nothing left to give, we were each other's motivating reason meaning and inspirational gift, to keep believing seeping in and dreaming reaping the benefits of our teaming seeming to help uplift us and better live, I wonder if he'd hold my hand to take the jump or leap off of true love's metaphorical cliff?! 

Peace and 1,
Joe Conscious
1/24/18

Are U A Gardener Or A Flower?

Really don't know where we stand, breaking up for mental health reasons wasn't planned, I just lost my patience, was much too irritable and anxious, to let some stupid little thing go, I hope in the end he grows and wins tho, he's had a terrible streak of bad luck, wish I didn't destroy his level of trust, sharing ur heart and soul takes guts, communication after all is a must, still wondering why we didn't work, I know I was a hot headed crazy jerk, but I reached my breaking point the proverbial straw, I know what I want while u seem to be very unsure, think maybe u like the illusion, kinks fetishes and sexual preferences aren't up for choosing, it is what it is, I simply can't handle this, benched and ghosted from ur life, the tension could be cut with a knife, too much unspoken resentment, we need to focus on the present, forget the future and past, my love for him will forever ever and always last, my erection can't be masked, perhaps I overzealously nagged, instead of compassionately and supportively listening, there's a huge chunk of me that's missing, I wanna rewind time, neglect can be a crime, especially if it's the cause of death, I have no hope or faith left, I believe I'll be old and alone, without a family or home of our own, unfulfilled with no music success, a wasted existence if I must confess, I tried my best, but karma's a bitch and the universe is a pest, extremely spiteful and sadistic, God isn't a magical wizard or mystic, it's an idea used to mind control, can u see the signs unfold, pointing to the end, maybe once ur lovers u can't be friends, don't wanna go backwards again, and I shouldn't play pretend, something isn't right, we continuously bicker and fight, I don't think I even make u happy, u sarcastically criticize rag and laugh at me, arguing I'm spoiled sheltered and wrong, I write amazing poetry and songs, expressing how I feel, I'm like an onion to peel, potent and layered, electro isn't as harsh as being tasered, fuck painful punishment give me excessive pleasure, I'll be ur  helpless tethered treasure, so u experience true power, are u a gardener or a flower, cuz it's important to know ur role, staying stuck in an unsuitable undesirable one takes a toll, it builds up pressure and adds stress, til u explode or burst from getting too upset, quiet silence distance and space, doesn't heal or erase the angst, it sits and stews, drains u like the news, it's considered abuse, lose the ruse, my world's been turned upside down, the loss of the love of my life is rather quite profound!

Peace and 1,
Joe Conscious
1/23/18     

Remember Never Say Never Ever

Moving on isn't a piece of cake, I refuse to let our love turn to hate, but we can't get past our resentment and anger, how can we go from best friends to strangers, I miss him so much, his energy and touch, he had such a presence, I wanted reciprocity not equality or vengeance, I needed him to step up, was intimately neglected  not getting enough, plus his attitude was rude, never understood the magnitude of abuse, whether intentional or not, I gave what I got, which was sarcasm and sass, I thought we'd forever ever and always last, guess I was wrong, don't wanna put it in another song, and be reminded of the pain constantly, why did u criticize and complain obnoxiously, like u couldn't focus on urself, ur not less of a man admitting u need help, communication is key, why would u never make a decision or take the lead, I thought u were the alpha dom top, but u weren't into bondage a lot, altho ur feet were perfect, for me vanilla sex isn't fulfilling or worth it, I thought I made myself clear, we apparently weren't a complimenting opposite pair, it seems we were a lil off, u preferred texting over talk, I was making all the effort, hoping we can retether what's been severed, but that involves forgiveness, the ability to diminish the vicious maliciousness, and take responsibility for our respective parts, I though we were connected by souls and hearts, my mind is a mess, life's too intense of a test, I just can't handle being overwhelmed right now, sorry not sorry I need to be milked like a cow, oink oink baby I'm a pig, can u keep ur cool at a gig, or will u go ape shit on some poor unsuspecting fan, I swear God chuckles when we plan, a powerless man, control is a sham, life is but an illusion, mixed messages are confusing, the ball was in ur court, I despise the endless back and forth, we're running out of time, if I'm urs and ur mine, then we shouldn't publicize single, I'd prefer to not have to get back out there date and mingle, but I can't keep going down this one way street, the future looks bleak, and I'm more lost than ever, altho we've both posted it's over for good...never say never!

Peace and 1,
Joe Conscious
1/22/18

What Happens To Lost Love

The song "A Lil While Longer" brings back sad memories, are we what's now considered as "frenemies", strange what happens to lost love, I'm not used to losing or giving up, but I must forgive myself get help move on and forward with my life, nothing lasts forever I guess, it's hard to understand why cutting each other completely out is best, does it all just get consumed by revenge and hate, I still say he's great, I mean we all have flaws, both still having attached umbilical chords, since we're stuck at home living with our parents, his situation is toxic and it's quite apparent, but there's only so much a partner can do, how anyone could choose abuse, but we each have reached breaking point, I'm resentful frustrated vengeful and annoyed, as individuals we we're a mess, I never intended to ever hurt him or make him feel less, I was such an ass, showed no tact or class, spewed poisonous venom, I felt butterflies when I met him, somehow tho I lost the lust, I simply gave too much, it was completely my fault, yeah u were grumpy but didn't deserve my assault, maybe some time apart, will help us heal our hearts, believe me I still worry and care, if u need me I'll be here, trust like luck is hard to recapture, I'll try to remember the good times the love and the laughter, cuz u made me a better man, I hope u know I'm ur biggest fan, and if somewhere down the line circumstances change, we've let go of the past heartache and pains, we can start over again, maybe go slower and work first on being best friends, but unfortunately that's a dream and I need to focus on the present, altho I'm hesitant cuz it's defeating and unpleasant, I must face each day brave and confident on my own, u can be lonely but never alone, we reside in hearts souls and minds, besides u always said ull be fine, overconfidence doesn't mask insecurity completely, wish u would've listened more and believed me, u were my world, I was loyal and faithful thru every obstacle or hurdle, tried to give support, lent what I could afford, but at great compromise and sacrifice, I gave u the power to control and map my life, I'm taking back the reigns tho, nothing and nobody makes or breaks Joe, multifaceted leveled deep and layered, so fuck jealous envious control freaks and failed haters, watch me squirm and bleed, rise above escape to be free and succeed, fulfill all my hopes wishes and dreams, cuz it's my fate/destiny!

Peace and 1,
Joe Conscious
1/16/18   

Don't Blame Or Hate Him

I have no happy place, even my reflection is disgraced, I'm a horrible person, inflicted pain suffering and hurting, all cuz I wanted sex, I couldn't shake the feeling of neglect, but that's no excuse, for the awful verbal abuse, he is a good man, I just couldn't rationally express myself so he would understand, I was overwhelmed, I needed help, I couldn't afford to give too much, somewhere along the way he lost his lust, I never cheated, tho he didn't believe it, once his trust was gone, it wasn't long, before everything fell apart, now all I have are memories and a broken heart, it wasn't his fault he was unemployed and sick, we both at times were stubborn sarcastic pricks, I really fucked up, perhaps I'm not worthy of love, maybe he's right, I don't know how to fight, he was always a source of light, missed him especially at night, now I'm alone, can't picture our future family together in our own home, I ruined the dream, only half of a team, ostracized and excluded, I'm mentally ill and deluded, crying my eyes out, realizing my lies materialized bouts, I don't know what I was so afraid of, dug my grave up, thought I gave enough, I never had it rough or tough, I was spoiled that way, my parents never cared I was gay, they respected my privacy, worried quietly, but intervened when necessary, I've lost the will to live become numb and sedentary, I used to thrive on being social, musically and poetically vocal, now I'm terrified to share, disillusioned people really care, faking tolerance and empathy, my epic fail is legendary, messed up the best thing I ever had, wish I could go back, rewind time and fix shit, he is completely done with me and livid, all I wanna do is run away and hide, curl up in a ball and die, I was so selfish, but this universe is hellish, karma's a bitch, my brain has a switch glitch, guess I am bipolar and mentally ill, without love life seems so unfulfilled, I can't forget the awful things I did and said, I fantasized living together for a year before we wed, but I couldn't patiently wait to get that far, so my heart is hard and scarred, my soul has lost its mate, I don't wanna mingle single nor date, I'm over trying to force shit and make it work, don't blame him hate me cuz I was the jerk!

Peace and 1,
Joe Conscious
1/17/18

Been Given Up On By Love

The only thing harder to walk away is to stay, talk about a giant leap of faith, hoping for him to change, is it time to turn the page, with him it was one problem after another, we were monogamous lovers, but he lacked trust, didn't give me enough, just would take and take, til my patience frayed and breaks, his situation got worse and worse, perhaps we're star crossed soulmates cursed, he couldn't take care of himself, there was nothing more I could do to help, he has to do the rest on his own, it sucks being alone, my future of having a family and home are gone, where did we go wrong, I felt taken for granted and neglected, possessively stifled and jealously overprotected, cuz of his bad past, couldn't take his excessive criticism and constant sarcastic sass, he was my favorite pain in the ass, it made my day to make him smile and laugh, I was the one who fucked up, guess I had enough, the littlest thing happened and I snapped, said and did many hurtful things I can't take back, so now I'm consumed with regret, he's very understandably upset, but silence isn't the answer, it causes relationship cancer, my mind goes crazy insane, replay everything over and over in my brain, to the point of an anxiety induced breakdown, is it simply too late now, I don't wanna be single, having to date and mingle, I'm at a loss for words, my heart hurts, my tear ducts dried, too many tears cried, the day I left him stranded the music died, I don't even wanna be alive, I'm so lost and confused, feel like a failure used, how do I go on without him tho, I don't even seem like the old Joe, a lil light in me has dimmed, forgive me father for I have sinned, I let anger take ahold, lost all rational control, and went plain crazy, he wasn't lazy, he was depressed and in pain, I couldn't sleep cuz of the heavy wind an rain, should've given him the space he needed, his warnings I should've heeded, but of course I didn't listen, now I'm wishing I didn't put us in this hellish position/prison, where it's cold and dark, I miss his spark, he always made me feel safe, pushed me to be brave, so now I'm insecure and scared, worried no one cares or will be there, and quite frankly I don't blame them, I don't have the strength to start all over again, just my luck, think I've been given up on by love!

Peace and 1,
Joe Conscious
1/17/18   

Had It With The Ignorant Unempatheitc Non-Compassionate Racket

Please let's not pretend, Trump's slogan should be "make America white again", trying hard not to get discouraged, but my soul is being undernourished, life isn't fair, and I know nobody cares, cuz we're all egocentric and selfish, this RI bubble is hellish, stuck in the same rut practically my whole existence, no matter the amount of consistent persistence, I wind up right back where I started, my dreams destroyed crushed and thwarted, turning me cold-hearted, apparently I'm outsmarted, by the universe, and it hurts, do any of u ever just wanna give up, cuz sometimes love just ain't enough, nor is having a job, when will the financial obligations stop, it's not like my generation will ever get to retire, the age of social security gets pushed higher and higher, by the time it's my turn there'll be nothing left, of course I'm upset, I've been duped and used, psychologically lied to and abused, taken for granted, I can't understand it, how the rich can sleep at night, the working poor need to rise revolutionize and fight, I've fucking had it, tired of this ignorant unempathetic non-compassionate racket, I'm not a person but a slave, totally ostracized and depraved, victim of a system that's stolen and raped, thru the legal means of taxes, the shit that comes out of politician's mouths/asses, is worse than diarrhea from laxatives, and that blatant crap's fed to the masses, while we're told to be pc smile politely and use a fork and knife, suck up the pain plight and strife, I'm not special, u want a cookie some cheese with that wine or a gold medal, since u suffer the most, ur just trash gutter and gross, completely worthless and disgusting, ya'll really think the Donald is someone genuinely to trust in, he represents our once great nation, spewing sexism racism hatred and other form of discrimination, but the deplorables are such gullible fools, they're duped into being useful tools, lacking common sense or a basic education, we should be defined by more than the superficial or reputation, as well as a stupid bank account amount, we warrant existential change that's profound, before it gets too late, is a repetition of dooms day our fate, I thought good triumphing over evil was karmic destiny, who's more legendary, God Jesus or the Devil, now is not the time to joyously revel, we better wake up and pay attention, before the three days of darkness's inception, where our only protection is the grace of faith, why do so many procrastinate and wait, expecting someone else, to come along and save us or help, man made pollution is causing the ice caps to melt, but I guess we don't care about mother nature's health, she's dispensable, what we as a society are doing is repulsively reprehensible!

Peace and 1,
Joe Conscious
1/12/18

Fuck Dreams Barely Making Ends Meat

Today's going by slow, thinking how the future will unfold, economically politically and personally, when discussing music I act paternally, each project is my baby, listening to and writing songs saved me, there for both the good and the bad, I know a lot of people are disgusted and given up on rap, my hip hop tho, is infused with lyrically deep R&B and soul, I try to diversify my sound, my messages are thought provoking existentially insightful and profound, hoping one day they become classics, how I come up with ideas is sheer magic, almost miraculous, the exhilaration is amazingly fabulous, like a high or a rush, once u have it u can never have enough, u want more, pretty hardcore, dare I say even addictive, can't understand unless uve experienced or lived it, it gives my existence meaning and purpose, I often feel like a failure totally worthless, unable to fulfill my dreams, selling out stadiums and winning Grammys, guess only time will tell, perhaps this is hell, having to slave away at an 8:30 to 4, often underwhelmed and bored, wasting my talents and skills, barely making ends meat to pay my monthly bills, I get no insurance or other benefits, treated like those deplorable degenerates, graduated college double majoring with a bachelors degree, yet unfortunately it seems I'll never be debt free, stuck in a red rut, my credit got fucked, cuz the IRS screwed up, and I have absolutely no luck, just another naive shmuck, wishing to win big bucks, since working hard gets me nowhere, never been jealous except for growing hair, now it appears I've been left behind by my peers, so I cry tears, consumed by my fears, dreading my tombstone saying Joe Doe lies here, a washed up nobody, unrefined vocally, told I shouldn't sing, despite the joy it brings, I'm not looking for approval, guess a career in entertainment isn't practical or doable, so I'm left pondering the point, should I smoke a joint, for at least some momentary pleasure, how is a person's value measured, by their bank account amounts, what if it's from an inheritance or a rich kid's allowance, it sucks the rest of us are hustling, yet still struggling and suffering, it just ain't right, why does survival have to be such a fight, I'm trying with all my energy and might, to stay on the positive side focusing on love and light, but it is extremely hard, all this pain plight and strife keeps shattering my optimism and heart!

Peace and 1,
Joe Conscious
1/11/18 

Need Help To Balance My Talent & Marketing Myself

I try to write like I should pray, at least once a day, but I can run out of things to say I'm afraid, nobody knows the true cost I've paid, hoping my dreams will be accomplished, ya'll would be amazed/astonished, the amount of compromise and sacrifice I've made, instead of getting fucked up drunk or laid, I did the responsible thing, those who hold themselves accountable never win, good deeds don't go unpunished, how many more years will go by I'm unpublished, it's not only frustrating but defeating, why would I keep having faith and believing, I come across entitled and ignorantly naive, being conceded and cocky is people's biggest pet peeve, so when it comes to marketing myself, I'm in desperate need of help, apparently everybody lies, to promote and advertise, u gotta sound and appear enticing, fans are fickle with their following and liking, despite having talent, it's hard to strike balance, unfortunately no one is perfect, but every artist has to know they're worth it, passions must be fulfilled, take risks and seek thrills, drive and energy needs to go somewhere, refuse to be ruled by resistance or dumb fear, altho failure's drowning, stage fright can be overwhelmingly harrowing, 2 things to never give up, are happiness and love, tho daunting at times, it's unacceptable taking regrettable haunting bribes, they come back to bite u in the ass, easy street can't lead to high class, don't allow ur soul to be bought, it's not a genuine apology saying sorry cuz u got caught, look at all the obstacles we've fought, who cares if I'm gay white bald fat or short, it has no impact on if I can rap, what's with all the prejudiced hateful attacks, like discrimination is cyclical, why are we all so bitter stressed and cynical, perhaps we work too much, poor robotic slave-like shmucks, completely money hungry it isn't funny, expect a fake disposition of delightfully sunny, but I can no longer pretend, my patience has reached its extent, I'm about to burst bust and explode, life isn't fair I've been repeatedly told, yet what about equality or justice, how do u live off the grid Amishly rustic, that's so outdated, it's practically archaic, welcome to the 21st century, will success be a part of my fate/destiny, or is my persistence pointless, enough of this dead ended annoyingness, my path forward or upward is perpetually blocked, window's the only option when all doors are locked, an illusion of choice, been using my deep voice, to say something of value with meaning, my existence has to have a reason, doesn't it, I should be running shit, at least in the hip hop game, these ghetto gangsters are mumbling and lame, it's a troubling shame, can u find humbling in fame, popularity is misleading, society is in need of more listening and reading, instead of ignoring and watching, after all comprehension and understanding are very important!

Peace and 1,
Joe Conscious
1/10/18   

A Topsy Turvy Journey Thru The Rubble & Bubble Trouble

Now all I want is revenge, keep wondering where the time went, seems pretty wasted, did u enjoy my blood u tasted, won't be satisfied til everyone's believing, we're close to being even, unfortunately that'll never happen, unless I take uncharacteristic action, I don't like evil people, at least be real, u shady lady, basically u used and raped me, metaphorically speaking of course, I want an occupational divorce, still stuck on the bottom rung of this socioeconomic ladder, like honestly I don't really matter, I'm just a temporary slave, desperate and depraved, self made too, a big brave fool, easily manipulated and super gullible, my financial future is severely in trouble, my bank account's been reduced to rubble, the Rhode Island mentality is trapped in a bubble, totally short sighted lacking empathy, is this my fate/destiny, I try to hold onto the hope of a brighter tomorrow morning, but faith should come with a warning, u just can't have it blindly, why don't the rich treat strangers kindly, I refuse to let the laws of man confine me, the road of life is hilly and windy, a long journey to learn me, at moments I'm all topsy turvy, often discombobulated chaotic and disjointed, I find the universe to be frustrating irritating and annoying, karma doesn't make any sense, I'm so stressed out and tense, that I'm misdirecting my anger, an independent party president would be a game changer, that's why I was for Bernie, our government's foundation is no longer stable nor sturdy, the checks and balances are gone, Trump is simply all wrong, bye bye Miss American Pie music died long ago but we still mourn, I'm stumped on how to get radio to play my song, the system is rigged, just cuz ur alive doesn't mean uve lived, we're working our souls away, robots don't know how to pray, since they don't have a heart or original thought, sorry to say happiness and fulfillment can't be bought, success can't be taught, homosexuality isn't a disease to be caught, demise isn't entertainment for our eyes to watch, enjoy a blunt during sunrise or sunset on the front porch, nature is miraculous not fodder, fuck money let's barter, realign our moral compass, look at the bigger picture and the circumference, ur world views shouldn't be so narrow, why are humans this superficial and shallow, what happened to intellect and depth, we as a species are extremely inept, more damaging than Aids and cancer, I wish I had the answer, it's impossibly hard to make a difference being just one man, nobody said existence is fair while God laughs at us when we plan!

Peace and 1,
Joe Conscious
1/9/18

The Same Old Same Old Nothing But Suffering

I hate being right when I'm being cynical, why is discrimination and abuse cyclical, I'm trying to do what Oprah says, be better and my best, it isn't always easy, especially when others are plain greedy and sleazy, the responsibility is the collective ours, we don't have infinite hours, everything has limits, enough with manipulative gimmicks, just speak the truth, let's give more power to the voices of our youth, instead of the same old same old, be brave and bold, try something new and different, give people the benefit of the doubt of being innocent, when they show u who they are tho believe them, don't fall for their bs again, give em an inch they'll take a mile, try to simply sit and smile for a lil while, let ur mind go blank and meditate, my brain definitely needs a break, over thinking and working, too much empathy leads to extreme hurting, I feel too much, need to not be stuck in this rut, where's my opportunity and chance, I rap and sing I don't dance, that shouldn't minimize my talents, I write poetry to maintain some semblance of balance, I'm tired of doing the John Mayer and "waiting on the world to change", excited for the sequel to Dr. Strange, it was very thought provoking conscious and existential, how do we inspire others to at least try to achieve their potential, personally I'm about to give up, I'm running out of compassion hope faith and love, and quite frankly that's sad, why aren't the 99% more mad, we desperately need redistribution of wealth, being a poor slave is detrimental to my health, I shouldn't have to work 2 or 3 jobs, yet still feel like I'm getting robbed, the level of debt seems insurmountable, why aren't Congress Wall Street and Corporations held accountable, like they're above the law, we somehow got corrupted at our foundational core, maybe it's not just money that's at the root of all evil, having to start over makes me feel inept and feeble, what's this now the 6th time, and I'm only 35, yet I can never surpass the bottom rung of the socioeconomic ladder, perhaps I am insignificant and don't matter, I realize suicide isn't the answer, won't wish for Aids either or cancer, I believe in the power of manifest destiny, maybe my hip hop music success isn't meant to be, but then what's the point to my life, excessive pain plight and strife, I'm totally appreciative and grateful, but I'm beginning to become envious and hateful, cuz everyone else seems to have figured it out, every singe fucking day is another miserable bout, I can't find joy in boredom or the nothing, please please please God help me find peace and end this suffering!

Peace and 1,
Joe Conscious
1/8/18   

New Years Blues Produced Venomous Truth When It's Spit Or Spewed

Today I had a profound melt down, believe me I have felt around, and there are no direct hire jobs, basically the youth is getting robbed, mostly over benefits and perks, always underpaid and overworked, I'm having the New Years blues, be careful of my venomous truth produced when it's spit or spewed, so sick of being taken advantage of, is this standard love, constantly passed over, piggy backing my shoulders, while I'm struggling to crawl at all, nobody's there to catch me when I fall, I'm far past frustrated and annoyed, I'm actually contemplating what's the fucking point, life's just too damn expensive, this is what God intended, feel like a wasted talent, sure my effort's been valiant, but that doesn't pay the bills, nobody's got my education background or skills, yet I'm still getting screwed, what else do I have to do, I wanna be compensated fairly, compliments are used sparingly, but criticism punishments and reprimands are doled out in droves, all my friends my age have families careers and own homes, I'm a worthless piece of shit, filled with bitter resentment sarcastic sass and defensive wit, hiding my insecurity and fear, does anybody even care, I'm barely hanging on by a thread, many times I wish I were dead, maybe then the hurt would stop, I miss the original Spot, I can't always be solid as a rock, why do videos go viral when the shock, and not in a good way, I'm a rapper who is white and gay, yes that's highly unusual, yet success seems improbable and not doable, no matter how hard I try, I can't stifle the tears flowing from my eyes, constantly defending myself, when will someone lend a hand to help, I see no footprints in the sand from the Lord carrying me, perhaps I don't have he marrying gene, since I'm too intense stubborn and an ugly troll, who cares that I dare share my whole soul, in my poetry and songs, I seem to be consistently wrong, I suck at existence, must be my masochistic persistence, so super gullible, guess I'm simply trouble, living in a spoiled ignorant bubble, pretty lazy disheveled-looking with a 5:00 shadowy stubble, most of the time, can come up with a hell of a rhyme tho on a dime, give me a beat, writing gives me relief, cuz I can vent, miss getting bent, which reduces stress, I'm failing patience's test, I don't express the best, and sometimes I need to give it a rest, shut down my brain, I'm completely depleted and drained, politics is driving me insane, perhaps I'm too selfish egotistical and vain, this isn't a game, I'm not purposefully seeking fortune and fame, but like I've said before, I believe I've earned and deserve more!

Peace and 1,
Joe Consicous
1/5/18 

Thought Provoking Lyrics Invoking Those Old Toking Spirits

Don't wanna lose another day because of snow, I still have bills to pay u know, and with back to back short weeks, my bank account is facing defeat, I've been managing to hold on barely, but life like my finances seems dreary, I'm managing to keep a brave face, wish I won the lottery so my debt could be erased, and I could even help others, especially my amazing sexy lover, would also pursue music more, the universe appears abusive at its core, call it karma luck or God, why is existence so damn hard, I'm diligent and driven when working, perhaps my passion and ambition need curbing, since many think I'm too intense and deep, but it should actually increase what I reap, instead of being a detriment, isn't everybody striving for betterment, or am I just the naive fool, used as a stepping stone/doormat-like tool, sick of being passed over, why do I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders, too much empathy, at least it's not envy or jealousy, and that's not false modesty, I believe in humble honesty, confident not cocky, with so much stubbornness it's improbable to stop me, I'm a force of nature to be reckoned with, fortune and fame aren't a beckoned gift, I've earned them like respect, pay attention to the politicians we elect, cuz they're ruining our nation, our democracy's spewing discrimination, when it's supposed to be all inclusive, government's getting extremely intrusive, especially with women's gays and civil rights, we must resist and fight, don't wanna be defined by bigotry, maybe equality is unrealistic but what about some symmetry, there should be justice fairness and balance, artists must be paid for they're skills and talents, listen for messages in their lyrics, I've tried invoking Pac Biggie Guru Easy E Nate Dogg Big Pun and Prodigy's spirits, all the epic greats, dreaming to be on that list is my fate, I want a classic long lasting legacy, wouldn't turn down a Las Vegas residency, cuz I'm entertaining and thought provoking, most these modern rappers are gimmicky soul bought and hoaxing, ain't got nothing on ghetto gangsters toking, as long as they weren't ghost wroten, so what if I'm making up words, who does it really hurt, swears are worse, is hip hop cursed, always trying to replicate the old school mentality, but apparently we're failing falling victim like casualties, unopen to growth, remember how Obama spoke hope, but everthing's become regurgitated commercial crap garbage, discarded carcass or porridge garnished and varnished with carnage, which doesn't harness or pay homage to the departed's acknowledged yardage, and targets the retarded held hostage in social bondage from a mental existential blockage, instead of trying to harvest the intellectual or college markets along with those wise hearted and the smartest!

Peace and 1,
Joe Conscious
1/3/18

The Failed Art of Playing My Hand Dealt In Cards

Years are going by faster, yet there's so much I haven't yet mastered, like that art of selling myself, I desperately need financial help, tho I work diligent and hard, I don't seem to be doing it smart, cuz I'm still in the red, think I'll be in debt even after I'm dead, thought being coupled, would lessen the trouble, however he's worse off than I am, I believe insurance is a scam, our government and especially Congress, are basically just conning us, their salaries keep annually going up, while the middle class shmucks get fucked, I'm actually working class poor, a tax refund dilemma screwed my credit score, why have temp agencies replaced hr departments, I'm over and tired of political arguments, I hate both parties, have no chance winning the lottery, mostly cuz I don't play, I feel persecuted for being gay, especially being a white rapper too, am I naive to think success might happen soon, somehow miraculously, my song will wind up on the radio magically, how is that people go viral, my whole life's been a downward spiral, and I'm waiting to bottom out, do ya'll believe in a solemn vow, why isn't my struggle an uphill battle, my hope and pride aren't simply rattled, they're being crushed, my music seems rushed, cuz of others procrastinating dragging their feet, no wonder I can't accomplish my goals/dreams, I'm not even close to my peak, I'll keep aspiring to make it in hip hop til I'm 43, at 44 I won't have the desire anymore, I'm sure I'll be defeatedly bored, maybe I'll become a producer instead, try to manage to get other artists ahead, to succeed where I failed, perhaps winning a Grammy was always a tall tale, a story based in fantasy or fiction, I crave money so it's like an addiction, except I never get my fill, credit and debit's replace dollar bills, they're pretty much obsolete, I should just accept defeat, and give in to the notion of the eternal 9 to 5 curse, it really hurts worse, knowing I willingly threw in the towel, but I feel like I hit the Wheel Of Fortune bankrupt and can't afford to buy a vowel, even tho it's only $2.50, at least my songs uplift me, and a select few, who relate to my view, understand my talent, my efforts been valiant, but I'm a complete and utter failure, was hoping to be like Pac or Lauryn Hill and become rap's savior, maybe I'll be appreciated post mortem, and the next generation will say a ghost taught em, cuz it's true a soul's essence never dies, I always tried to put my heart blood sweat and tears I've cried, all into my art, guess I never figured out how to play the hand I was dealt in cards!

Peace and 1,
Joe Conscious
1/2/18