Don't Blame Or Hate Him

I have no happy place, even my reflection is disgraced, I'm a horrible person, inflicted pain suffering and hurting, all cuz I wanted sex, I couldn't shake the feeling of neglect, but that's no excuse, for the awful verbal abuse, he is a good man, I just couldn't rationally express myself so he would understand, I was overwhelmed, I needed help, I couldn't afford to give too much, somewhere along the way he lost his lust, I never cheated, tho he didn't believe it, once his trust was gone, it wasn't long, before everything fell apart, now all I have are memories and a broken heart, it wasn't his fault he was unemployed and sick, we both at times were stubborn sarcastic pricks, I really fucked up, perhaps I'm not worthy of love, maybe he's right, I don't know how to fight, he was always a source of light, missed him especially at night, now I'm alone, can't picture our future family together in our own home, I ruined the dream, only half of a team, ostracized and excluded, I'm mentally ill and deluded, crying my eyes out, realizing my lies materialized bouts, I don't know what I was so afraid of, dug my grave up, thought I gave enough, I never had it rough or tough, I was spoiled that way, my parents never cared I was gay, they respected my privacy, worried quietly, but intervened when necessary, I've lost the will to live become numb and sedentary, I used to thrive on being social, musically and poetically vocal, now I'm terrified to share, disillusioned people really care, faking tolerance and empathy, my epic fail is legendary, messed up the best thing I ever had, wish I could go back, rewind time and fix shit, he is completely done with me and livid, all I wanna do is run away and hide, curl up in a ball and die, I was so selfish, but this universe is hellish, karma's a bitch, my brain has a switch glitch, guess I am bipolar and mentally ill, without love life seems so unfulfilled, I can't forget the awful things I did and said, I fantasized living together for a year before we wed, but I couldn't patiently wait to get that far, so my heart is hard and scarred, my soul has lost its mate, I don't wanna mingle single nor date, I'm over trying to force shit and make it work, don't blame him hate me cuz I was the jerk!

Peace and 1,
Joe Conscious
1/17/18