Said what I needed to say, but I still don't wanna just push u away, chalk it up to bad timing, I gotta concentrate on paying bills and rhyming, everything else comes second, I came running every time u called or beckoned, but it was never enough, u always questioned the extent of my love, ur past relationships ruined ur ability to trust, I think at first we were consumed by lust, but our roles weren't compatible, our bickering was laughable, but I never questioned our future together, I thought we made each other better, however things went south when u lost ur job, then it seems something else bad happened and the curve balls didn't stop, next was ur failing health, I didn't have the wealth, to support u for months on end, plus u wouldn't change or bend, it was up to me, now I'm set free, yet I don't wanna be, I just want u to deal with ur problems and find peace, while I try to face failure and defeat, I beat myself up every minute of every day, I wait and pray, for some sort of miracle to occur, cuz I'm captivated by ur allure, ur the man of my fantasies and dreams, but things aren't always what they seem, who u are around others, isn't who u are alone with just ur lover, ur mostly tired and in pain, will this hurt ever wane, I'm heartbroken and furious, I tend to go overboard with wordiness, but I'm trying to get my point across, ur my partner not my savior or boss, I often felt neglected stifled and controlled, I've lost a huge chunk of my heart and soul, afraid of becoming old and alone, never finding my own happy home, without u I feel incomplete, miss laying at his feet, cuddling watching tv mostly Charmed, I wouldn't wish destruction or intentionally harmed, I feel awful about the way I handled things, so much sorrow dismantling brings, I can't make it thru a day without crying, I know we're all dying, but losing him is suffocatingly crushing, I definitely won't be diving in or rushing, it's gonna take a very long long time to heal, these past few weeks I've awoken hoping it all wasn't real, I don't know what's next, I feel extremely cursed and hexed, way way less than my best, like I failed life's test, I guess this is what I deserved and earned, altho there are many lessons about myself I've learned, I can't make sense of a good reason or meaning, why are we leaving if it's causing grieving, I don't wanna let him go, but I've simply run out of patience faith and hope!
Peace and 1,
Joe Conscious
2/1/18
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