Keep losing my shit, over his abusiveness, he won't talk, but apparently stalks like a hawk, his friends aren't helping either, I believe less in love than I do this country's leader, both are narcissists, working out pot and bondage are sources of catharsis, almost medicinal, I can't stand his double standards that are hypocritical, his lack of taking responsibility never ceases to amaze, he makes me lose control of my patience and grace, I just wanna spit in his face, and tell him what a fucking disgrace, of a human being, maybe it would be freeing, so I can let him go, this is me just venting tho, I don't really wanna do that, I simply feel stabbed in the back, by someone who once claimed they loved me, despite he never could trust me, constantly falsely accused, put up with his emotional psychological verbal and neglectful abuse, he always had some stupid excuse, which was all a pathological ruse, based on lies, he never could compromise, just a codependent user, a condescending asshole/loser, I want out of existence, my apologies were persistent, but he'd never give me the satisfaction or respect, out of sight out of mind and easier to forget, except there's still a ton left unsaid, ugly wishful thinking he was dead, which makes me hate myself, I was trying to help, think he got blinded by my parent's wealth, wouldn't even take care of his own health, slept the days away, kept my hope and faith in spades, but what a waste of time and energy, we both have to live with our relationship's legacy, which ended in disgust, questioning whether it was true love or just lust, what did I even really like about him, I swam seas and climbed the highest mountain, but it still wasn't good enough, gay dating is rough and tough, no matter how much I huff and puff, dust builds up, can't sweep it all under the rug, follow ur instincts and guts, listen to friends and family, people connive underhandedly, in it for selfish reasons, some are seasons, let them be and change, broaden ur scope and range, experiment boundaries and limits, don't be so gullible to gimmicks, fall for those same old tricks pricks and dicks, use ur intelligence and wits, and ride solo, since yolo, don't let endless possibilities pass u by, while u were standing there pondering why, u got surpassed, I will have the last laugh, if u continue with sobriety ull eventually want to make amends, sorry not sorry ur the one who said we could never be friends, so I won't forgive u, ur negative and morbid too, brought me down to ur depressed level, but I refuse to become beaten and disheveled, I will persevere, cuz u made me so numb I no longer give 2 fucks or care!
Peace and 1,
Joe Conscious
5/8/18
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