I periodically get in this weird self loathing of a mood, and have this cut off from the world sort of attitude, I hate chit-chatting and laughing with even good friends on the phone, I’d rather crawl in a ball and get away from it all to be alone, veg and pig out on the couch, no energy or backbone so I just sit here and slouch, wishing I didn’t see anybody around me like my eyes were gouged, or that I was able to run and hide away in my kangaroo mother's pouch, I find any stupid reason or excuse, to just be a hermit loner or recluse, I easily get lost in a movie or television, with no interaction simply watching and listening, but even that can get boring after a while, besides that's not really my style, I’ve always been considered more of a people person, and yet I continually resort back to this alternate reality version, a shadow of my former self, too self-absorbed to ask for help, in other words egocentric or egomaniacal, which as a friend makes me completely unreliable, since any relationship is give or take and constant compromise, struggling through the lows and celebrating the highs, why can’t I stop this from happening, this perpetual battling and grappling, maybe it's a self preserving tool, to get thru the man vs. mind war that's abusive and cruel, we even go so far as to think we know how other people will judge us, and definitely underestimate brothers and the power of what love does, it's an undercover way to internalize our self hate, believe me I know and can relate, it’s like when I came out as being gay, I felt frayed frail forgotten fucking fading away, fearing our friends and family will automatically show rejection, when you’re about to drop a bomb in the air there’s this weird awkward tension, and u find out all that overanalyzing and fussing, was really all just for nothing, because they already knew and u feel like a fool, a tool, and after all that needless stressing they unconditionally still love you! -Joe Conscious Vacca
Peace and 1
12/17/08
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