This time of year gets especially hard for me, RIP dad and G, I know ur in heaven smiling down, gotta invert/reverse that frown, to help push thru and keep the faith, have unconditional hope and pray, try to always be grateful and show kindness, stay conscious of mindfulness, we ain't promised tomorrow, so never wallow too long in sorrow!
Isn't everything a long shot, and as I grew up I forgot, how to live and dream, nothing is really as it seems, responsibility is inevitable, I see it as the devil, I don't want it, am I even fit, when I look in the mirror, it all becomes unclearer, what is the fucking point, actually I'm rather annoyed, time hasn't healed any wounds, it wasn't until Wallace I swooned, do I deserve love tho, drowning in my own dug hole, can a person replace another, perhaps I've existed undercover, now I just feel invisible, success has been minimal, so it's hard to be consistently persistent, can't imagine having a manager agent or assistant, yet I'm overwhelmed often, mostly envisioning urns and coffins, I can't bring myself to visit their grave sight, my darkness hates light, but that's all they say I am, why don't I agree that I can, strangers often believe, so how come I can't agree, only in death do I feel my mom will see me, from my roots I'll be freed, her wings will help me fly, loved ones surround us when they die, like a force field protecting us, I only hope to start electing guts, cuz my mind and heart are tired and broken, all the apologies and affirmations spoken, haven't worked, the regret and resentment exacerbates the painful hurt, I cant take back or fix the mistakes, I don't want to become consumed by gloom and hate, but how, and what am I supposed to do now, so alone, fully grown, scared as hell, I won't dare to share or tell, cuz truth's subjective, maybe I've always been over protected, even spoiled privileged and coddled, too ticklish being fondled, sensitive to any touch, perpetually told I'm too much, stay bent, trying to diminish being intense, when I finally let go, my ultimate wish is to find the best Joe!
I used to escape thru writing, all the grief I've endured's stifling, the future seems lost with no hope, finding joy is the only way to cope, but both are rare, mom's had a hell of health scare year, I'm consumed by doom, I've never fantasized being a groom, while I long for love, nothing's more healing than a hug, do any of y'all just not feel good enough, or perhaps simply stuck, trapped in our own chosen design, please don't believe anybody's spokenly fine, ask that follow up question, why u bsing, hiding behind a crocodile smile, am I on society's trial, like it's the Joe Show, gotta grow some homo mojo tho, spread sass, kick ass, vanquishing evil, dictate against sheeple, as if it were words not deeds, and Putin had the power to charge fees to breathe, syllables become expensive, devolutionarily intensive, communication gets wasted, so depressively regressive u can taste it, numb and bland, it's hard to fathom/understand, how on Pluto did we get here, good god we got conquered by fear...now where?!
Ur soul's so vain, ain't no full blown grown shame, oh I'm sorry...silly me, I forgot y'all are exempt from accountability, must I sit complicit silently, politely delightfully all sexy smiley, matter fact bow down to me, and eternally now and forever vow to be, urs truly, whorish abusively, have infinite side pieces like hustles, when it speaks it out loud gets repeatedly muzzled, so can't hear me clearly, daringly fairy, I'm completely fucked up about love, is marriage a contracted act of ownership over a sub, the victim and its prey, like a record company and their artist aka slave, don't tell me how to behave, I won't degrade or spread hate cuz I'd rather self depricate, make many mistakes and absolutely refuse to be disingenuous or fake, I just need my big break, have hope and faith, just maybe perhaps someday, but either way I didn't prove a fool, this poem like Joni's song definitely ain't about u!
Can a homo be a hero, or do we automatically start below zero, u know cuz we're less than, I'm a blessed man, despite my flaws, try to absorb like gauze, soak it all up, it's none of ur business who I love or fuck, I'm a fabulously talented poet/rapper, but all y'all see is a cracker, white men can't jump nor succeed in hip hop, watch me as I mic drip drop, just like jaws wide open, a lot of truth is sarcastically said followed by just joking, aka jk, isn't being PC pretty gay, l...o...l, I'm goin with Lil Nas X to hell, in bloody sneaks, I'd love to collab on One Love One Heart with him Adam Lambert and me, maybe even get Steve Grand, and we can start a band, tour the whole globe, with an all homo variety show, I mean why not, it's my dream pride plot, and since we only got one life to live, like Mike I'm wondering what more can I give, our ultimate purpose is to serve, constantly grow and learn, never achieving perfection, yet still striving to be a thriving inspiring legend!
Peace and 1,
Joe Conscious
11/16/22
Why isn't knowledge and wisdom in hip hop relevant, y'all popularized and glorified the gangster mentality and it's evident, I'm both book and street smart, have an old soul and a great big heart, that wants to love and save the whole wide world, I may be gay but I still have nothing but love for women and girls, my experience is extremely different, everything can change in an instant, it's about adaptation, u better wake up and pay attention to admiration, what u passionately strive to achieve, having the ability to agree to disagree, without the need to demonize or blame, I never knew how much I was consumed by guilt and shame, the jealousy and envy would just perpetuate the self hate, couldn't even see I'm already great, yet long for approval and validation, financial and award winning applauding congratulations, instead I find myself isolated disconnected and dismissed, like I'm not worthy enough to even exist, especially in the music business, doubly privelaged, being male and white, I hate the stereotype gays can't fight, I'd rather make peace than war, give back to the youth and to the poor, use my transcendent poetry and music to help heal, lead by example that boys can be vulnerable empathetic and deeply feel, I try to remain humbly confident genuinely authentic and real, keep hoping that vibration catches fire and has mass appeal, wish we all could find mindfulness, focusing on true unconditional love gratitude and kindness!
Begging the world to find bliss in the mindfulness, of love gratitude and kindness, for others as well as ourselves, we all deserve a lil help, and that's totally ok, why are y'all so afraid, vulnerability isn't weak, sexy geek can be sheik, u don't have to be one thing, we need a fun King to lead yet be someone who sings, moves troops with just the use of their voice, beware the consequence of choice, shouldn't dismiss accountability, as willy nilly or silly, simply cuz Trump does, his irresponsible nature fucked us, and I won't only blame him, the bandwagon enraged and enflamed a symptom, that became epidemic proportioned, evil consorting and cohorting til democracy's abortion, contradicting reversal of roe v wade, fascists aren't bold or brave, they're dangerous and disastrous, have we become a wacky combination of stepford/plastics, where did our soul go, didn't make it between the goal posts, colored outside the lines, gender roles demonized, so pronouns are grammatically incorrect, one entity but with a plurality effect, are we challenging too many universal laws, level up from rehearsal applause, covid isolation is over, performing artists holding the weight of the lack of crowds on their shoulders, like the hault was our fault, and the hurdle is impossible to vault, since we aren't making money for other people, talent and musicality nowadays feeble, I'm about ready to quit, even tho I write sing and spit, it doesn't seem to be good enough, and I get no luck or love, how am I supposed to believe in achieving my dreams, seems there's no control where the spotlight beams!
