Today's going by slow, thinking how the future will unfold, economically politically and personally, when discussing music I act paternally, each project is my baby, listening to and writing songs saved me, there for both the good and the bad, I know a lot of people are disgusted and given up on rap, my hip hop tho, is infused with lyrically deep R&B and soul, I try to diversify my sound, my messages are thought provoking existentially insightful and profound, hoping one day they become classics, how I come up with ideas is sheer magic, almost miraculous, the exhilaration is amazingly fabulous, like a high or a rush, once u have it u can never have enough, u want more, pretty hardcore, dare I say even addictive, can't understand unless uve experienced or lived it, it gives my existence meaning and purpose, I often feel like a failure totally worthless, unable to fulfill my dreams, selling out stadiums and winning Grammys, guess only time will tell, perhaps this is hell, having to slave away at an 8:30 to 4, often underwhelmed and bored, wasting my talents and skills, barely making ends meat to pay my monthly bills, I get no insurance or other benefits, treated like those deplorable degenerates, graduated college double majoring with a bachelors degree, yet unfortunately it seems I'll never be debt free, stuck in a red rut, my credit got fucked, cuz the IRS screwed up, and I have absolutely no luck, just another naive shmuck, wishing to win big bucks, since working hard gets me nowhere, never been jealous except for growing hair, now it appears I've been left behind by my peers, so I cry tears, consumed by my fears, dreading my tombstone saying Joe Doe lies here, a washed up nobody, unrefined vocally, told I shouldn't sing, despite the joy it brings, I'm not looking for approval, guess a career in entertainment isn't practical or doable, so I'm left pondering the point, should I smoke a joint, for at least some momentary pleasure, how is a person's value measured, by their bank account amounts, what if it's from an inheritance or a rich kid's allowance, it sucks the rest of us are hustling, yet still struggling and suffering, it just ain't right, why does survival have to be such a fight, I'm trying with all my energy and might, to stay on the positive side focusing on love and light, but it is extremely hard, all this pain plight and strife keeps shattering my optimism and heart!
Peace and 1,
Joe Conscious
1/11/18
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