The holiday season, has been difficult for an obvious reason, even 3 and 5 years later, I've turned into a hater, cuz of grief, mixed with jealousy, I want what I had growing up, a life fulfilled with such family/unconditional love, now I feel down on my luck, without dad and G nothing seems enough, my day to day is excessively crappy, forgot what it's like to see me happy, plus I'm consumed by my mom's terrible health, knowing no one else can help, realizing the realities of aging, responsibility is so encaging, no evading the invasion, how do I make myself more approachable and engaging, without just appeasing, nor toxically people pleasing, losing sight of all boundary lines, simply smiling saying I'm fine, while my face says otherwise, I've become numb and almost nullified, like I don't matter at all, despite being ridiculously religiously resilient after every fall, so fuck it, y'all can suck it, I'm gonna keep doing me myself and I, take pride holding my head high, I'm far from perfect, but absolutely beautifully indubitably worth it!
Joe Conscious
12/12/23
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