Wednesday, May 23, 2018

Take Charge & Control Of Ur Life & Soul

Tomorrow marks another year of life, 36 years of pain plight and strife, still not happy or fulfilled, I often feel like a failure ill prepared and unskilled, but trying to stay optimistic and positive, I've never seen so much repression with men staying closeted, well into old age, sexuality isn't just a phase, I came out at 25, never felt so alive, safe and free, finally getting to know the real me, but it was hard in a sea of expectation from others, traveled cross country twice and only had a few lovers, I'm neither a slut nor a prude, u get further by being nice then rude, nobody likes an ass, some sarcastic sass can be brash abrasive and crass, insecurity isn't easily masked, time sure does fly by fast, missed many moments, I hope to reap the benefits from all my sowings, while the Earth keeps rotating in spinsanity, will it be inevitably destroyed by humanity, constantly plagued by a God complex, is ur belly button concave or convex, u a lefty or a righty, I can get stoned zoned out and flighty, day dreaming winning that Grammy, most can't stomach or understand me, mistake me as arrogant conceited and cocky, why ya'll trying to stop me, from getting my fifteen minutes, it's not when u start but how u finish, slow and steady supposedly wins the race, to clear the hurdles u face pick up the pace, nobody will stop to lend a helping hand, often wonder how long my legacy will span, especially thru music, every person and experience I encounter I try to use it, make it my inspirational muse, we learn more when we lose, blame gravity for falling, some people never find their passion or calling, wandering about aimlessly, wanting to be idolized famously, with an abundance of fortune, without having to succumb to overworking exhaustion, like Amy "they try to make me go to rehab", I need some meditational squirming in my leather sleepsack, under some big hot jock feet, worshiping his man meat, til we both explode, gotta keep the faith and have hope, that all my fantasies and dreams will come true, ur reputation is a combination of both what u say and do, be ur best self, I welcome help, not good at criticism tho, always asked what do u know Joe, it's a very common question, I'm super grateful and appreciative of all my blessings, including my tenacity and drive, next time u see me give me the JC Solut or a high five, as a enthusiastic congratulations, keep ur pity sorrow tho and ur adulation, I hate passive aggressive condescension, there's no such thing as equality forever or perfection, it's all about first impressions, success takes a ton of trial and error guessing, nobody has the existential answers, it's polite manners to greet peeps with a smile and friendly banter, a simple hello to break the ice, health care should be an inalienable right, let's redistribute concentrated wealth, instead of playing victim take charge and control of the hand uve been dealt, don't sell ur soul, now and then smoke a bowl, no regrets, just give it ur all and try ur best!

Peace and 1,
Joe Conscious
5/23/18 

Tuesday, May 15, 2018

In The Vicinity Of Rap Divinity

Ur silence worries me more than anything u could say, u can't change things the harder u pray, it takes action, not verbal lashings, candid criticism, when neither of us is listening, we're both a mess, jynxed
and hexed, in pain and stressed, wondering what happens next, guess I'm single and ready to mingle, they're chocolate jimmies or rainbow sprinkles, there are Granny Smith and other apples, failed relationships are hard to grapple, hope my heart heals, while my soul still is brave enough to deeply trust and feel, I don't want to be jaded by lost love, we just had to give up, focus on our individual selves, keeping busy helps, a healthy way to deal, I need an empathy shield, so I don't lose and confuse what's urs and what's mine, I'm questioning if it pays to be kind, evil seems to be prosperously winning, morality and common sense are thinning, it's like a free fall for all, u ever get so angry only thing u can do is ball, plus I say stuff I don't mean, if only my insults could make u bleed, sorry not sorry I wanna hurt u as bad as u did me, I don't wanna be free, what happened to "I'm Yours", don't make me get down on all fours, but while I'm there, we never really celebrated 1 year, like it didn't even matter, I noticed I was getting lazier and fatter, way too comfortable, was waiting for him to be less insufferable, I always saw the best version of him, would suck it up often and let him win, usually he was wrong, he's a music career expert from djing and creating one song, laugh out loud, I've got 22 boo and I'm super proud, all I ever wanted was a compliment tho, and wanted ur approval u know, urs was the opinion that I cherished most, wish I didn't always have to drive pay and host, wasn't much of a partnership, how does one go about getting a grant donation or sponsorship, I could use some financial assistance, I heard dreams come true with passion talent drive and persistence, so I keep on working and growing, want my name to blow up like a volcanic explosion, so I can live my truth, otherwise the point to life seems aloof, I refuse to be put on hold or mute, got a great smile and adorably cute, but give me the mic and one of my beats, and I become drop dead sexy, exuding raw divinity, jaw dropping awe and amazement quieting everyone in the surrounding vicinity, the "attention grabber", "a faggot cracker rapper", who breaks barriers limitations expectations and walls, is anyone else having good hip hop withdrawals, cuz I am, not looking for "Stan" fans, just trying to relate and connect, I am not God and far from the best, but I certainly try, wanna leave a lasting legacy that can survive long after I die, epic and legendary, I truly do believe in faith and my destiny!

Peace and 1,
Joe Conscious
5/15/18

Thursday, May 10, 2018

Got One Shot So Try Why Not

Ur deficiency of empathy, is why we're not meant to be, I refuse to go back, u inspire me to lack tact, ur silence, enrages violence, especially with words, my anger stems from hurt, u never valued my worth, perhaps this is ur curse, u get in ur own way, unreliable when it's time to do or follow thru with what u say, what a waste of love, nothing was ever good enough, u can't help someone become unstuck, no control over karma or luck, guess now's the chance to refocus, do u believe in hocus pocus, magic can't fix reality, God/Jesus is synonymous in all actuality, except that divinity may not be just a simple illusion, people are easily manipulated thru confusion, distraction is easy, it's not in my nature to be slutty or sleazy, I don't want someone who codependently needs me, in San Diego I could smoke weed legally, but here in Rhode Island I can't, which is hard to comprehend and understand, my symptoms haven't changed, capitalism is strange, there's nothing fair about it, so why do we allow shit, like the huge gap in distribution of wealth, obviously our government doesn't care for it's citizens' health, u gotta pay to play, a smile can make a day, cuz when ur poor or broke, it's tough to keep the faith alive and hope, I shouldn't have hatefully spoke, nor angrily wrote, but I was desperate to release, why do I appease and people please, my opinion's the only one that really matters, it's been forever since I've played Chutes & Ladders, or better yet Mall Madness, I'll do anything to distract myself from the sadness, seriously I'm crippled, my patience has whittled, I'm over my mirror's reflection, I have to do some soul protecting, to refrain from becoming numb and jaded, relationships are overrated, I just wanna be happy, instead all I feel is crappy, cuz too much is left unfinished and unsaid, are u ever in so much pain u wish for death, rather drown than have a shattered heart, how did that accident happen or that fire start, perhaps I'm a demonic hit-man for the source, wish we regarded education over sports, look at the way we treat our teachers, don't punish the dreamers, this country was built on immigrants, now it's plagued with ignorance, are we the next Rome, will next world war be fought at home, as we watch the dollar collapse, ignore more and more political mishaps, another rapture victim, Earth is a prison system, our bodies a temple, wish I had insurance that covered vision too and dental, survival is all mental, life ain't a rental, u got one shot, so instead of constantly asking why try why not!

Peace and 1,
Joe Conscious
5/10/18

Tuesday, May 8, 2018

Broaden Ur Range & Change

Keep losing my shit, over his abusiveness, he won't talk, but apparently stalks like a hawk, his friends aren't helping either, I believe less in love than I do this country's leader, both are narcissists, working out pot and bondage are sources of catharsis, almost medicinal, I can't stand his double standards that are hypocritical, his lack of taking responsibility never ceases to amaze, he makes me lose control of my patience and grace, I just wanna spit in his face, and tell him what a fucking disgrace, of a human being, maybe it would be freeing, so I can let him go, this is me just venting tho, I don't really wanna do that, I simply feel stabbed in the back, by someone who once claimed they loved me, despite he never could trust me, constantly falsely accused, put up with his emotional psychological verbal and neglectful abuse, he always had some stupid excuse, which was all a pathological ruse, based on lies, he never could compromise, just a codependent user, a condescending asshole/loser, I want out of existence, my apologies were persistent, but he'd never give me the satisfaction or respect, out of sight out of mind and easier to forget, except there's still a ton left unsaid, ugly wishful thinking he was dead, which makes me hate myself, I was trying to help, think he got blinded by my parent's wealth, wouldn't even take care of his own health, slept the days away, kept my hope and faith in spades, but what a waste of time and energy, we both have to live with our relationship's legacy, which ended in disgust, questioning whether it was true love or just lust, what did I even really like about him, I swam seas and climbed the highest mountain, but it still wasn't good enough, gay dating is rough and tough, no matter how much I huff and puff, dust builds up, can't sweep it all under the rug, follow ur instincts and guts, listen to friends and family, people connive underhandedly, in it for selfish reasons, some are seasons, let them be and change, broaden ur scope and range, experiment boundaries and limits, don't be so gullible to gimmicks, fall for those same old tricks pricks and dicks, use ur intelligence and wits, and ride solo, since yolo, don't let endless possibilities pass u by, while u were standing there pondering why, u got surpassed, I will have the last laugh, if u continue with sobriety ull eventually want to make amends, sorry not sorry ur the one who said we could never be friends, so I won't forgive u, ur negative and morbid too, brought me down to ur depressed level, but I refuse to become beaten and disheveled, I will persevere, cuz u made me so numb I no longer give 2 fucks or care!

Peace and 1,
Joe Conscious
5/8/18

Thursday, May 3, 2018

Don't Call The Coroner

On the road again, cuz it takes time to mend, guess we should've started friends, it's awful when a relationship ends, I've been unkind, wish I could rewind, but we can't, so I'll be a man, and own up to my mistakes, I was consumed by hate, mostly stemming from hurt, staying distracted with work, and obviously doing music, I try to take the emotion and use it, especially when I'm singing, nobody knows the intensity of my over feeling and thinking, it can be debilitating, getting a standing ovation can be exhilarating, it's not fame or attention I'm craving, more the overall connecting and relating, I want no one to be or feel alone, we all deserve love success and a happy home, I no longer wish to get revenge or fight, I realize a lot of what I did wasn't right, but I can't take complete blame, trust isn't a game, u either do or u don't, had to forgive myself cuz he won't, nor will he talk, shouldn't have drawn lines in sand or with chalk, cuz some are hard red, I wonder if this is was God meant, is this really the path, why do I get so mad, esp when it's at things beyond my control, guess my soul couldn't handle the role, of partner or gardener, stop trying to be martyrs, the world needs to wake up and be smarter, fixing this mess will get much harder, can't keep kicking the proverbial can, desperately need beach sand and a tan, to help get over those winter blues, probably could use new shoes, does anybody actually like to lose, I totally prefer pot instead of booze, is reality a ruse, if life's built for twos I'm screwed, cuz I'm flying solo, my new motto is yolo, always seek the truth, nobody's opinion should be put on mute, use ur voice, express ur choice, show some class and poise, if ur feeling Joe Conscious let me hear some noise, it's supposed to be raining men not boys, I'm content with my hand and some toys, cuddling would be nice tho, can't handle the price woes, barely keeping my own head afloat, I could definitely give it another go, ask me out on a date, even better if u paid, an apology or compliments are surely welcome, kink can no longer be seldom, it's a necessity, pursue passion aggressively, follow ur heart and gut, get urself out of that depressive rut, change ur luck, never give up, a new opportunity could be right around the corner, no need to call the coroner, love's not dead, just giving myself space to cool down and let my emotions better connect with my level head!

Peace and 1,
Joe Conscious
5/3/18

Friday, April 27, 2018

Forgive & Let Live

I know he made me happy cuz now I'm not, maybe he does still love me just forgot, but there was never trust on his part, dealing with double standard hypocrisy was too hard, think it's finally time to move again, make new friends, get away from this place, feel like a failure and a disgrace, I let myself down the most, I wonder if I'll miss him like the west coast, but I wanna go somewhere different I've never lived, I know I won't get the satisfaction of being forgived, which isn't a word, I know how absurd, a rapper making up lingo, wish we had a chance to go together to musical bingo, for shizzle my nizzle, but our relationship has more than simply fizzled, but there will always be love there, we got consumed by insecurities and fear, I'm done tho playing the blame game, gotta focus on fame, being an indy artist, stay humble grounded and modest, cuz nobody likes conceited or cocky, I wanna win a Grammy and nothing or nobody can stop me, I'm determined and driven, working isn't living, it's supposed to improve quality, in all honesty, I think evil has taken over, sometimes I feel like I have the weight of the world on my shoulders, I wanna make my parents proud, perhaps I share too much too loud, like an open book, I prefer not to cook, that doesn't mean I can't, I want a man who understands, that I am who I am, I like to try to make plans, but with so many fakes and flakes, flying solo seems to be my fate, and I'm ok with that, love isn't something I lack, I'm lucky and blessed, I don't believe in perfection or that I'm the best, always bettering myself, unafraid to admit I need help, at the end of the day we're all just people, do not succumb to the powers of evil, stay true to who u are, always follow ur gut and heart, please don't sell ur soul either, I tend to be more spiritual than a Jesus believer, altho I grew up Catholic, I wanna be a superstar not an asterisk, but only ya'll can help make that happen, instead of condescendingly laughing, take a listen to my songs, especially after ripping the bong, and if it's not ur cup of tea, that's totally fine with me, but if u do than tell a fellow hip hop fan, seems good smart lyrical content isn't in demand, like Meghan sings "it's all about that bass", why's rap music anti white and gays, like either of those are disqualifying traits, finding success is a maze, that basically just leads to dead ends, I've thought about officiating weddings, or doing massage therapy professionally, I tried adult day care but I wasn't prepared mentally, now instead of paralegal I'm a fiscal clerk, who knows what future careers lurk, wish my art would pay the bills, still have to make a will, just in case, of the Rapture/End Of Days, hope we can change our course to a forward direction, make sure if ur unhappy with our president u go out in vote in elections!

Peace and 1,
Joe Conscious
4/27/18

Thursday, April 26, 2018

From Inspirational Muse To A Brown Noun

There's nothing better than an artist scorned, my desire to write and create has been reborn, instead of letting love turn to hate, I'll put all that wasted emotion into the music I make, it'll take time to heal, nobody can make u do or feel, it is always ur choice, my mind is consumed with so much noise, societal expectation and criticism, I swear most people are only pretending to listen, only caring about themselves, unempathetic and unwilling to help, unless of course it benefits them in some way, sick of this mentality u gotta pay to play, life is funny, fuck love just give me the money, it's the only thing that really matters, if u wanna be popular abstain from getting fatter, we're super superficial, self righteous and hypocritical, judgmental sinners, criminals are the winners, don't u know the nice finish last, time is too precious and flies by fast, so seize the moment, keep moving forward learning and growing, we're all works in progress, stop with the macho dick swinging contest, ya'll trying too hard, play the hand dealt in cards, quit comparing with envy, watch out for back stabbing from jealousy, they'll build u up just to tear u down, my ex is definitely a brown noun, I have hope tho again, finally reconnecting with real friends, he made my world small, taught me to build barriers and walls, especially around my heart, actually he wasn't very smart, cuz nobody survives alone, gotta let the bad past go, otherwise it'll destroy future opportunity, I wanna contribute to the rise of our community, prove that sexual preference can't supersede talent, I try to stay cordial respectful and valiant, but when I repeatedly take the blame, I started to realize u were playing me like a game, a perpetrator can never be the victim, perhaps I should've just let u go to prison, instead I enabled u, made a fool, gullible ignorant and naive, I don't need to grieve, cuz I understand I was used, that's just what drug addicts and users do, I don't think he truly ever even love me, and now I'm free, single and ready to mingle, while the people who care about him dwindle, sometimes it's a curse to see the best in others, there's a huge difference between codependent necessity and unconditional partnered lovers, I'm still waiting for the latter, u assume I got my parent's silver platter, there's nothing further from the truth, yes I may live under their roof, and I am very blessed, but I'm humble enough to know I'm no better than the rest, I'm not cocky or conceited, I was the only one to be there whenever u needed, cuz u were ungrateful, kept falsely accusing me of being unfaithful, delusional with double standards, that would make it easier for u if I was a philanderer, but I'm not, give it all u got, u won't ruin my reputation, go see a psychiatrist or get an education, and quit ur pity party bitching, pretty soon ull be missing my kissing, but I'll be like Kelly sings "already gone", ull no longer be my muse or inspiration for poems or songs!

Peace and 1,
Joe Conscious
4/26/18