Wednesday, January 17, 2018

Don't Blame Or Hate Him

I have no happy place, even my reflection is disgraced, I'm a horrible person, inflicted pain suffering and hurting, all cuz I wanted sex, I couldn't shake the feeling of neglect, but that's no excuse, for the awful verbal abuse, he is a good man, I just couldn't rationally express myself so he would understand, I was overwhelmed, I needed help, I couldn't afford to give too much, somewhere along the way he lost his lust, I never cheated, tho he didn't believe it, once his trust was gone, it wasn't long, before everything fell apart, now all I have are memories and a broken heart, it wasn't his fault he was unemployed and sick, we both at times were stubborn sarcastic pricks, I really fucked up, perhaps I'm not worthy of love, maybe he's right, I don't know how to fight, he was always a source of light, missed him especially at night, now I'm alone, can't picture our future family together in our own home, I ruined the dream, only half of a team, ostracized and excluded, I'm mentally ill and deluded, crying my eyes out, realizing my lies materialized bouts, I don't know what I was so afraid of, dug my grave up, thought I gave enough, I never had it rough or tough, I was spoiled that way, my parents never cared I was gay, they respected my privacy, worried quietly, but intervened when necessary, I've lost the will to live become numb and sedentary, I used to thrive on being social, musical and poetically vocal, now I'm terrified to share, disillusioned people really care, faking tolerance and empathy, my epic fail is legendary, messed up the best thing I ever had, wish I could go back, rewind time and fix shit, he is completely done with me and livid, all I wanna do is run away and hide, curl up in a ball and die, I was so selfish, but this universe is hellish, karma's a bitch, my brain has a switch glitch, guess I am bipolar and mentally ill, without love life seems so unfulfilled, I can't forget the awful things I did and said, I fantasized living together for a year before we wed, but I couldn't patiently wait to get the far, so my heart is hard and scarred, my soul has lost its mate, I don't wanna mingle single nor date, I'm over trying to force shit and make it work, don't blame him hate me cuz I was the jerk!

Peace and 1,
Joe Conscious
1/17/18

Been Given Up On By Love

The only thing harder to walk away is to stay, talk about a giant leap of faith, hoping for him to change, is it time to turn the page, with him it was one problem after another, we were monogamous lovers, but he lacked trust, didn't give me enough, just would take and take, til my patience frayed and breaks, his situation got worse and worse, perhaps we're star crossed soulmates cursed, he couldn't take care of himself, there was nothing more I could do to help, he has to do the rest on his own, it sucks being alone, my future of having a family and home are gone, where did we go wrong, I felt taken for granted and neglected, possessively stifled and jealously overprotected, cuz of his bad past, couldn't take his excessive criticism and constant sarcastic sass, he was my favorite pain in the ass, it made my day to make him smile and laugh, I was the one who fucked up, guess I had enough, the littlest thing happened and I snapped, said and did many hurtful things I can't take back, so now I'm consumed with regret, he's very understandably upset, but silence isn't the answer, it causes relationship cancer, my mind goes crazy insane, replay everything over and over in my brain, to the point of an anxiety induced breakdown, is it simply too late now, I don't wanna be single, having to date and mingle, I'm at a loss for words, my heart hurts, my tear ducts dried, too many tears cried, the day I left him stranded the music died, I don't even wanna be alive, I'm so lost and confused, feel like a failure used, how do I go on without him tho, I don't even seem like the old Joe, a lil light in me has dimmed, forgive me father for I have sinned, I let anger take ahold, lost all rational control, and went plain crazy, he wasn't lazy, he was depressed and in pain, I couldn't sleep cuz of the heavy wind an rain, should've given him the space he needed, his warnings I should've heeded, but of course I didn't listen, now I'm wishing I didn't put us in this hellish position/prison, where it's cold and dark, I miss his spark, he always made me feel safe, pushed me to be brave, so now I'm insecure and scared, worried no one cares or will be there, and quite frankly I don't blame them, I don't have the strength to start all over again, just my luck, think I've been given up on by love!

Peace and 1,
Joe Conscious
1/17/18   

Friday, January 12, 2018

Had It With The Ignorant Unempatheitc Non-Compassionate Racket

Please let's not pretend, Trump's slogan should be "make America white again", trying hard not to get discouraged, but my soul is being undernourished, life isn't fair, and I know nobody cares, cuz we're all egocentric and selfish, this RI bubble is hellish, stuck in the same rut practically my whole existence, no matter the amount of consistent persistence, I wind up right back where I started, my dreams destroyed crushed and thwarted, turning me cold-hearted, apparently I'm outsmarted, by the universe, and it hurts, do any of u ever just wanna give up, cuz sometimes love just ain't enough, nor is having a job, when will the financial obligations stop, it's not like my generation will ever get to retire, the age of social security gets pushed higher and higher, by the time it's my turn there'll be nothing left, of course I'm upset, I've been duped and used, psychologically lied to and abused, taken for granted, I can't understand it, how the rich can sleep at night, the working poor need to rise revolutionize and fight, I've fucking had it, tired of this ignorant unempathetic non-compassionate racket, I'm not a person but a slave, totally ostracized and depraved, victim of a system that's stolen and raped, thru the legal means of taxes, the shit that comes out of politician's mouths/asses, is worse than diarrhea from laxatives, and that blatant crap's fed to the masses, while we're told to be pc smile politely and use a fork and knife, suck up the pain plight and strife, I'm not special, u want a cookie some cheese with that wine or a gold medal, since u suffer the most, ur just trash gutter and gross, completely worthless and disgusting, ya'll really think the Donald is someone genuinely to trust in, he represents our once great nation, spewing sexism racism hatred and other form of discrimination, but the deplorables are such gullible fools, they're duped into being useful tools, lacking common sense or a basic education, we should be defined by more than the superficial or reputation, as well as a stupid bank account amount, we warrant existential change that's profound, before it gets too late, is a repetition of dooms day our fate, I thought good triumphing over evil was karmic destiny, who's more legendary, God Jesus or the Devil, now is not the time to joyously revel, we better wake up and pay attention, before the three days of darkness's inception, where our only protection is the grace of faith, why do so many procrastinate and wait, expecting someone else, to come along and save us or help, man made pollution is causing the ice caps to melt, but I guess we don't care about mother nature's health, she's dispensable, what we as a society are doing is repulsively reprehensible!

Peace and 1,
Joe Conscious
1/12/18

Thursday, January 11, 2018

Fuck Dreams Barely Making Ends Meat

Today's going by slow, thinking how the future will unfold, economically politically and personally, when discussing music I act paternally, each project is my baby, listening to and writing songs saved me, there for both the good and the bad, I know a lot of people are disgusted and given up on rap, my hip hop tho, is infused with lyrically deep R&B and soul, I try to diversify my sound, my messages are thought provoking existentially insightful and profound, hoping one day they become classics, how I come up with ideas is sheer magic, almost miraculous, the exhilaration is amazingly fabulous, like a high or a rush, once u have it u can never have enough, u want more, pretty hardcore, dare I say even addictive, can't understand unless uve experienced or lived it, it gives my existence meaning and purpose, I often feel like a failure totally worthless, unable to fulfill my dreams, selling out stadiums and winning Grammys, guess only time will tell, perhaps this is hell, having to slave away at an 8:30 to 4, often underwhelmed and bored, wasting my talents and skills, barely making ends meat to pay my monthly bills, I get no insurance or other benefits, treated like those deplorable degenerates, graduated college double majoring with a bachelors degree, yet unfortunately it seems I'll never be debt free, stuck in a red rut, my credit got fucked, cuz the IRS screwed up, and I have absolutely no luck, just another naive shmuck, wishing to win big bucks, since working hard gets me nowhere, never been jealous except for growing hair, now it appears I've been left behind by my peers, so I cry tears, consumed by my fears, dreading my tombstone saying Joe Doe lies here, a washed up nobody, unrefined vocally, told I shouldn't sing, despite the joy it brings, I'm not looking for approval, guess a career in entertainment isn't practical or doable, so I'm left pondering the point, should I smoke a joint, for at least some momentary pleasure, how is a person's value measured, by their bank account amounts, what if it's from an inheritance or a rich kid's allowance, it sucks the rest of us are hustling, yet still struggling and suffering, it just ain't right, why does survival have to be such a fight, I'm trying with all my energy and might, to stay on the positive side focusing on love and light, but it is extremely hard, all this pain plight and strife keeps shattering my optimism and heart!

Peace and 1,
Joe Conscious
1/11/18 

Wednesday, January 10, 2018

Need Help To Balance My Talent & Marketing Myself

I try to write like I should pray, at least once a day, but I can run out of things to say I'm afraid, nobody knows the true cost I've paid, hoping my dreams will be accomplished, ya'll would be amazed/astonished, the amount of compromise and sacrifice I've made, instead of getting fucked up drunk or laid, I did the responsible thing, those who hold themselves accountable never win, good deeds don't go unpunished, how many more years will go by I'm unpublished, it's not only frustrating but defeating, why would I keep having faith and believing, I come across entitled and ignorantly naive, being conceded and cocky is people's biggest pet peeve, so when it comes to marketing myself, I'm in desperate need of help, apparently everybody lies, to promote and advertise, u gotta sound and appear enticing, fans are fickle with their following and liking, despite having talent, it's hard to strike balance, unfortunately no one is perfect, but every artist has to know they're worth it, passions must be fulfilled, take risks and seek thrills, drive and energy needs to go somewhere, refuse to be ruled by resistance or dumb fear, altho failure's drowning, stage fright can be overwhelmingly harrowing, 2 things to never give up, are happiness and love, tho daunting at times, it's unacceptable taking regrettable haunting bribes, they come back to bite u in the ass, easy street can't lead to high class, don't allow ur soul to be bought, it's not a genuine apology saying sorry cuz u got caught, look at all the obstacles we've fought, who cares if I'm gay white bald fat or short, it has no impact on if I can rap, what's with all the prejudiced hateful attacks, like discrimination is cyclical, why are we all so bitter stressed and cynical, perhaps we work too much, poor robotic slave-like shmucks, completely money hungry it isn't funny, expect a fake disposition of delightfully sunny, but I can no longer pretend, my patience has reached its extent, I'm about to burst bust and explode, life isn't fair I've been repeatedly told, yet what about equality or justice, how do u live off the grid Amishly rustic, that's so outdated, it's practically archaic, welcome to the 21st century, will success be a part of my fate/destiny, or is my persistence pointless, enough of this dead ended annoyingness, my path forward or upward is perpetually blocked, window's the only option when all doors are locked, an illusion of choice, been using my deep voice, to say something of value with meaning, my existence has to have a reason, doesn't it, I should be running shit, at least in the hip hop game, these ghetto gangsters are mumbling and lame, it's a troubling shame, can u find humbling in fame, popularity is misleading, society is in need of more listening and reading, instead of ignoring and watching, after all comprehension and understanding are very important!

Peace and 1,
Joe Conscious
1/10/18   

Tuesday, January 9, 2018

A Topsy Turvy Journey Thru The Rubble & Bubble Trouble

Now all I want is revenge, keep wondering where the time went, seems pretty wasted, did u enjoy my blood u tasted, won't be satisfied til everyone's believing, we're close to being even, unfortunately that'll never happen, unless I take uncharacteristic action, I don't like evil people, at least be real, u shady lady, basically u used and raped me, metaphorically speaking of course, I want an occupational divorce, still stuck on the bottom rung of this socioeconomic ladder, like honestly I don't really matter, I'm just a temporary slave, desperate and depraved, self made too, a big brave fool, easily manipulated and super gullible, my financial future is severely in trouble, my bank account's been reduced to rubble, the Rhode Island mentality is trapped in a bubble, totally short sighted lacking empathy, is this my fate/destiny, I try to hold onto the hope of a brighter tomorrow morning, but faith should come with a warning, u just can't have it blindly, why don't the rich treat strangers kindly, I refuse to let the laws of man confine me, the road of life is hilly and windy, a long journey to learn me, at moments I'm all topsy turvy, often discombobulated chaotic and disjointed, I find the universe to be frustrating irritating and annoying, karma doesn't make any sense, I'm so stressed out and tense, that I'm misdirecting my anger, an independent party president would be a game changer, that's why I was for Bernie, our government's foundation is no longer stable nor sturdy, the checks and balances are gone, Trump is simply all wrong, bye bye Miss American Pie music died long ago but we still mourn, I'm stumped on how to get radio to play my song, the system is rigged, just cuz ur alive doesn't mean uve lived, we're working our souls away, robots don't know how to pray, since they don't have a heart or original thought, sorry to say happiness and fulfillment can't be bought, success can't be taught, homosexuality isn't a disease to be caught, demise isn't entertainment for our eyes to watch, enjoy a blunt during sunrise or sunset on the front porch, nature is miraculous not fodder, fuck money let's barter, realign our moral compass, look at the bigger picture and the circumference, ur world views shouldn't be so narrow, why are humans this superficial and shallow, what happened to intellect and depth, we as a species are extremely inept, more damaging than Aids and cancer, I wish I had the answer, it's impossibly hard to make a difference being just one man, nobody said existence is fair while God laughs at us when we plan!

Peace and 1,
Joe Conscious
1/9/18

Monday, January 8, 2018

The Same Old Same Old Nothing But Suffering

I hate being right when I'm being cynical, why is discrimination and abuse cyclical, I'm trying to do what Oprah says, be better and my best, it isn't always easy, especially when others are plain greedy and sleazy, the responsibility is the collective ours, we don't have infinite hours, everything has limits, enough with manipulative gimmicks, just speak the truth, let's give more power to the voices of our youth, instead of the same old same old, be brave and bold, try something new and different, give people the benefit of the doubt of being innocent, when they show u who they are tho believe them, don't fall for their bs again, give em an inch they'll take a mile, try to simply sit and smile for a lil while, let ur mind go blank and meditate, my brain definitely needs a break, over thinking and working, too much empathy leads to extreme hurting, I feel too much, need to not be stuck in this rut, where's my opportunity and chance, I rap and sing I don't dance, that shouldn't minimize my talents, I write poetry to maintain some semblance of balance, I'm tired of doing the John Mayer and "waiting on the world to change", excited for the sequel to Dr. Strange, it was very thought provoking conscious and existential, how do we inspire others to at least try to achieve their potential, personally I'm about to give up, I'm running out of compassion hope faith and love, and quite frankly that's sad, why aren't the 99% more mad, we desperately need redistribution of wealth, being a poor slave is detrimental to my health, I shouldn't have to work 2 or 3 jobs, yet still feel like I'm getting robbed, the level of debt seems insurmountable, why aren't Congress Wall Street and Corporations held accountable, like they're above the law, we somehow got corrupted at our foundational core, maybe it's not just money that's at the root of all evil, having to start over makes me feel inept and feeble, what's this now the 6th time, and I'm only 35, yet I can never surpass the bottom rung of the socioeconomic ladder, perhaps I am insignificant and don't matter, I realize suicide isn't the answer, won't wish for Aids either or cancer, I believe in the power of manifest destiny, maybe my hip hop music success isn't meant to be, but then what's the point to my life, excessive pain plight and strife, I'm totally appreciative and grateful, but I'm beginning to become envious and hateful, cuz everyone else seems to have figured it out, every singe fucking day is another miserable bout, I can't find joy in boredom or the nothing, please please please God help me find peace and end this suffering!

Peace and 1,
Joe Conscious
1/8/18