Think today is the day, I can finally walk away, I tried too many times, enabled him made mistakes and lied, but I was only doing it for my own safety, he's been harassing insulting and threatening me lately, to the point of no return, I've never been this burned, first loves hurt the worst, feel like my future's cursed, but I know I will find love again, I'm simply sad we couldn't at least be friends, I hope he gets the help he needs, I don't regret setting myself free, I'm just scared, u can't stay trapped in a relationship out of fear, it was hard enough changing I and me to we and us, being single takes fucking guts, ud think I'd be used to being alone by now, I know I live at my parent's home and I don't know how, but someday I'll find my place, I won't let hate erase or replace, my love for him is eternal always and forever, it doesn't seem like we're meant to be together, I find it impossible to let go, never been one to cut someone off out bench or ghost, this is harder than going to Butler twice, I'm trying to be civil cordial and nice, but I will defend myself, I am getting professional help, which is all well and good, but I'm so tired of being misunderstood, as well as misrepresented, damaging my reputation is something I might forgive but won't be forgetting, I'm beginning to think it was all an illusion/addiction, he manifest destinied his own premonitions/predictions, him not having a support system makes me worried and sad, I absolutely admit I said and did awful bad things when I was angry vengeful upset and mad, I'm only human, but when I stopped and asked what he was doing, to try to better himself and change, I remembered all the paranoid delusions isolating me to become estranged, from family and friends I've had for a lifetime or many many years, Lord knows the endless sleepless nights and tears, it's hurtful when he says and thinks I don't still care, I'll treasure and cherish the great moments and memories we did share, and won't let bitterness or regret, conquer the positive possibilities that lie ahead, who knows what the future holds, neither of us are even 40 years old, maybe in another place and time we heal and reconnect, when he learns to express himself thru face to face talk and not text, or not using drinking and smoking cigs to deal with his stress, he was for sure the best sexy hot mess, and I let myself be his escape, truly wish we could rewind and remake, I mean history often cyclically repeats, I'll genuinely miss his hateful meat fake teeth and stinky feet, kissing hugging and cuddling, even the constant bickering and kerfuffling, there's no one I'd rather fight with, not only my soulmate but a heaven sent life saving gift, he was the first person to unconditionally love me back, colored my world when it was plain white and black, he gave me wings to fly high, I feel like a lil piece of me died, I'll try not to focus on wondering why, I wish him well and good luck but I have to say goodbye!
Peace and 1,
Joe Conscious
9/28/17
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