Altho we have parted ways, I am trying my best not to let love turn to hate, ur making it so damn hard, threatening harassing and insulting excessively breaking my heart, like Gloria Gaynor proclaims "I Will Survive" I will also move on be better than ok and thrive, not to spite, I wish u well in life, we all go thru pain hardships and strife, I don't care who's to blame or who's wrong or right, I will cherish what we had, ignore the awful things we both said when we were mad, u focused too much on my past, which ruined our future together fast, misdirecting ur anger and hurt, just made my reactions worse, I love u but I love myself more, apparently pleasing me was too much of a chore, u should've been open and honest with what u wanted from the beginning, stopped criticizing my beats and singing, cuz that wasn't helping, nor was the jealous controlling possessiveness and over sheltering, just showed a lack of trust, this time I was burned to dust, but like a phoenix I will be reborn and rise, I know now I am not responsible for ur suicide, my conscience is clear, I can't be with u and stay out of fear, uve done nothing but gaslight, promised and asked not to fight, right before u started one, 3 hours of sleep isn't fun, especially when I have to handle responsibilities and work, in front of friends ud be nice while in private an emotionally abusive jerk, and I played the fool. let u use me as a puppet/pawn/tool, drove thousands of miles wasted so much time and money, I was duped seeing the best of u someone who was smart sexy and sarcastically funny, u made me feel truly "Charmed", now I'm petrified and alarmed, but I'm no longer trapped, don't have to put up with or deserved that crap, everyone told me, let go and set urself free, in the end, I hoped to remain civil respectful friends, obviously it's not possible, got blocked by too many obstacles, like distance and space, relationships aren't competitions or a race, we set our own boundaries and limits, it isn't how we started but how we finished, which makes me even more confused, why is it that the universe seems to keep love and marriage aloof, is being gay a sin condemning and hexing us to doom and gloom, always the best man never a groom, if things are too good to be true they usually are, I will always defend myself and spar, I'm stubborn and won't give up, but enough was enough, no more healing hugs, this wasn't love, it was an illusion/addiction, there was always friction, we never lived up to what either of us envisioned, my good-natured soul won't be stifled or imprisoned, I will profoundly miss u Kevin, u gave me wings to fly high as the heavens, and I refuse to now be torn down, life goes on and keeps spinning round, things change like people and seasons, nothing has diminished my feelings, what we had has valuable meaning, I still believe we met and experienced what we had for a reason, will forever ever and always treasure the memories, unfortunately our destiny together just wasn't meant to be.
Peace and 1,
Joe Conscious
9/27/17
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