Didn't dodge a bullet I just lost the love of my life, I white lied and died from essentially stabbing my own heart with a knife, and I so wanna give up, but u can't on life or love, I know I hurt u and made a huge mistake, but how long will u make me pay, for the rest of my existence, I can't change your mind with I'm sorries or persistence, guess I have to let u go, despite I'm losing light tho, no amount of hope or faith, can magically erase, but walking away now seems like such a waste, can't fend off the shakes from being tazed, I'm so afraid, I dug our grave, time has become torture, I choose u even if that means being an unsuccessful pauper, cuz like Kelly sang "my life would suck without u", I love to verbally bicker and bout u too, but my sarcasm is just jest, I'm not perfect and far from the best, if u can't forgive me and move on, stop the false bravado/charade/illusion/con, I will not be apart of it, enough with the cold and hot shit, I'm not a light switch, I'm submissive but not ur wife bitch, u cannot and will not own or control me, u are my one and only, but sorry not sorry I have a past, I could give a rat's ass, what u did and with who, but I expect respect and reciprocity from u too boo, cuz yes trust does go both ways, I want a partner who stays, and doesn't break up with me when things get hard, I'll let u think u win and hold all the cards, but the fact is we are equals, keep pushing me away and there won't be a sequel, we both said things we didn't mean, u are the fantasy within my dreams, however when I re-awake, it's like my bubble's popped and I realize it's all empty and fake, right back where we started, I must be fucking retarded, cuz like a fool I try and try and try again, if u don't believe me he's just a friend, then that's on u, doesn't give u permission to be hateful hurtful and cruel, I react to what u put out there, losing u is my greatest fear, and u can try to lie and justify that this is what I wanted, since I met u my mind heart and soul never wandered, I can't help other people's actions or feelings, especially one's they've hidden and been concealing, judge me by how I'm dealing, I can't learn lessons lecturing from guest speaking, u can't protect and save me always, there'll be good and bad winter spring summer and fall days, it's a seasonal roller coaster ride, the tears I've cried are dried, I can see clearly, perhaps it's u who hasn't listened or didn't hear me, I deeply care, and ain't going nowhere, I will fight with all my might, but I'm only human tho so u should know I bleed when u bite, maybe I am too intense and overzealousy, but ur filled with anger rage and jealousy, I think we both shouldn't give but take our own advice, I'm a hopeless romantic eternal optimist and genuinely nice, why u trying to change that, it's not my fault I have things u lack, like an unconditionally loving family, do u notice how u don't respect boundaries and get very handsy, not to mention demanding of me, sometimes face to face it's impossible to speak candidly, especially when ur drinking, it's heartbreaking watching as the ship is sinking, ur simply sabotaging a great thing, apparently u don't see the joy we bring, to each other's lives, it seems I'm just the source of ur hives, damned if I do or don't, u can push me away and try to get me to hate u but I won't, neither of us can or need to be fixed, but at times we're both opinionated stubborn dicks, I don't wanna fight any more, but don't categorize me as one of ur previously cheating assholes/whores, I've had enough of the double standards and hypocrisy, victimizing pity parties really bother me, I don't have compassion, for people who can't acknowledge their faults and insecurities as well as their mad bad spasticing, I have admitted I'm wrong, and didn't have to use lyrics from a song, I'm not proclaiming what I did is alright but things could be worse, ur falling for ur exes and douchebags traps acting all hexed and cursed, this whole tit for tat, is whack so fuck all that, ultimately happiness is ur choice, pretending ur unaffected and portraying stoically poised, feeds into the white noise, let me guide u thru the abuse and use the sound of my voice, take my hand, but empathize and understand, u can't conveniently hold this over my head forever, please just say u still love me ur willing to work on things and let's be together!
Peace and 1,
JC
6/12/17
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