I'm not a magical wizard, or a miraculous Mr. Fix It, I do the best I can, but I'm still just a man, not an angel like he thinks, everything's changed in a swift blink, couldn't control a natural reaction, seems I may be back to a fraction, I don't wanna open my eyes, to see another demise, how did we get this far gone, can relationships ever truly be reborn, perhaps we need to practice more forgiveness, look at what anger elicits, guess this is how love turns to hate, I can't believe this is our fate, maybe if we pretend it never happened, hide the insecurities behind laughing, and simply smile, hold each other for a while, that might be enough to heal, I keep pinching myself to feel if this is real, not just a nightmare/bad dream, life's harder when ur not part of a team, he was all I ever wanted and I let him slip away, I'm starting to trust I'm cursed for being gay, appears I'll leave this world like I came in alone, won't get to experience creating a happy home of our own, all I remember is the constant fighting, I can't unbreak my shattered heart writing, and now I'm about to start to cry, I keep asking myself why Joe why, I'm so defensive and can't let things go, repeatedly bickering going toe to toe, trying to one up and hurt each other worse, holding onto my lips as long as I can but my mouth eventually bursts, boy can I cut people with words, I'm shocked at all the evil that lurks, deep within me inside, tried to justify by admitting we both lied, it's no surprise we couldn't come to a compromise, now no ones by my side, back to being lost and confused, we're all victims of abuse, enslaved and used, til there's nothing left, stealing souls is grand theft, but what's the penalty, justice can be bought by the wealthy, don't forget nothing not even life is fair, nobody's immune to the wear and tear, when we dare to share, we all need a giant care bear stare, a boost of love, but at this point I don't think it's enough, if ever I wanted a reset or redo, it would be with u, what I wouldn't give for the chance to start over again, take things way slower and work first on being friends, I miss my soulmate badly, I'll take the blame if it'll take away ur pain gladly, there's nothing I wouldn't do for u Kevin, I'd travel the depths of hell like in "What Dreams May Come' to bring u to heaven, so we can eternally be together, our song is Alessia Cara's "I'm Yours" but it should be Luther's "Always & Forever", music no longer has inspiring meaning or uplifting feeling, I'm numb from my misery reeling, drowning in tearful sorrow, praying for no tomorrow, preparing the noosed rope, cuz I'm severely lacking hope, contemplating and debating saying it's over, right now more than ever I need ur shoulder, someone to lean on, so I don't feel like an insignificant unlovable peon, they say God doesn't give u anything u can't handle, well I can honestly say I'm completely unhinged and dismantled, I can't concentrate or focus, I'm like one of Odysseus's men eating the lotus, I simply just wanna forget, at this point I long and beg for death, there's no future without him, I dug my grave but don't wanna pay penance for my sin, this is me finally giving up, I accept the fact I'm not meant or destined to be loved!
Peace and 1,
JC
9/7/17
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